Get These Demons Off My Back

Merits of a Jackass

2011-10-05T18:38:00.000-07:00

I learned today that donkeys protect their land. They stomp snakes too death and they can scare off packs of coyotes. They and deer are friends.

Donkeys have no resources that would indicate they could do this. They are not especially fast or ferocious. They have no tusks or horns or sharp teeth. They have no special sight or vision or hearing. They aren't even especially heavy like elephants. They have have no sharp claws or quills or a wicked bad stench like a skunk. They have no camouflage, they can't fly and they aren't climbers. They aren't even capable of the element of surprise.

They love to be with their owners.

I want to be Christ's donkey. I want to be discerning enough to recognize those who would harm me and those who would befriend me like a deer. I want to spend time with those I love and fight to protect what we hold dear. If nothing else, donkeys are fearless and faithful. They don't sit around and get gobbled up because of their lack of power. They just dig in and hold their ground and get it done.

I want to love to spend time with the owner of my soul and everlasting life, my Lord and my God.

To want nothing more than this, the world will view me as a jackass. God will view me as his true and faithful servant.

That being said, I want to be a jackass cause this jackass is not home until heaven so what I need to be protecting is not here but there.

YOU ARE NOT DONE

2011-10-04T18:28:00.000-07:00

The story goes a little something like this... I have a friend who has a husband whose cousin committed suicide. This cousin has two teenage daughters, one of whom saw her mom take her own life.

This is the kind of story that doesn't easily leave your mind once it's been communicated to you. As is often the case with the things on our mind, they come out of our mouths. I mentioned it to my boss at work and she said, "those girls are done....they're done."

I remember thinking yeah they are...they are scarred for life. That's not something you can get over.

I told my friend Brittany I would pray for the family. In trying to pray, all I found myself wanting to do is write the girls a letter or just scream out: You're not done!!!

You are in shock and an unimaginable and unfathomable grief. I can't begin to put myself where you are and wouldn't know how to move forward after what you've been through. What I do know is you won't make it alone. You're grief and confusion and anger and self blame and doubt and psychological insecurities will eat you alive.

Go to God. Lay everything at the cross of Christ and tell him you cannot do this. You will not do this alone. You don't feel strong enough to stand and you aren't. God will carry you. Will you instantly feel better because you sought him? No, no you won't. What you will do is get up every day and breathe in and out. You will struggle and you will hurt and it will be hard. This will go on for what we feel like an eternity and then one day you will realize you weren't quite as numb and you didn't hurt quite as bad today and you can even look back and think of a fond memory from the day for the first time in so long you began to wonder if you could still form happy memories.

You will go through the motions of your life and you will still continue to be productive, but you will feel like you are living outside yourself just watching your former self live your life.

You will have to surround yourself with people who love your God. These may be family members, friends, members of the church, teachers, etc. These people will listen to you, help you, guide you, cry with you and they will REFUSE to let you go down the wrong path no matter how many times they have to pull you up out of the mud and out of your self pity.

These people are essential but they are not your foundation. Jesus is your only solid rock to build upon. All else is sinking sand. If you have a strong foundation you can replace faulty stones without doing damage to the integrity of the structure. Remember that people will sometimes let you down. Let not your faith be shaken by this. They were never meant to be where you seek your worth or the meaning of life. Always seek strong human bonds and relationships but always know that God is the source of all love and life. People do not fail you because they don't love or care about you. People fail you because mankind has fallen and we are all an imperfect people doing the best we can, which will always fall short of our Glorious God but which in no way diminishes his power or his love.

You are hurt and you are broken, but none fall so far that their Heavenly Father cannot come to their aid and mend them. You can be healed and restored. YOU ARE NOT DONE! God will you give you the strength to survive this. However, that strength will only be strong enough for the current day so live it one day at time. Each day has enough pain and worry of its own without borrowing from the future.

Plan

2011-04-10T20:10:00.000-07:00

1) Work from 7:30-5:30 (5:15 on Rangers game days)

2) Spend 30 minutes outside

3) Spend 15 minutes in God's word and 15 minutes talking to God

4) Spend 30 minutes reading something else

5) Spend 30 minutes focusing on others - could be child sponsorship, volunteering, watching the news

6) Spend 30 minutes with my husband

God's Breaking My Heart for the Things That Break His

2011-04-03T08:36:00.000-07:00

I feel like lately I get emotional about things that have no direct impact on me. I feel like I am most emotional over my self centered focus. For awhile now, I have this strong feeling that God is telling me to cut the chaff. I need to start cutting off things in my life that don't matter. I seriously need to be limiting tv and facebook time. I need to start making serious goals for myself centered around using my time to engage in things that would please God. I need to learn how to give until it hurts and pour out my time and money for Him.

I need to be researching where God needs me to give my time and money and how I can use my strengths and gifts to be his hands and feet and love poured out on those around me.

Understanding Engaged

2010-10-02T04:53:00.000-07:00

I dont undestand being engaged. I understand I love you. I understand I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't understand why we ask a person to spend the rest of our lives with us and then make them wait a year to do it. If we aren't ready to get married why do we ask?
I don't do well in gray areas and engagement just feels like a big holding pattern. I'm feel like I'm sitting in a plane out on the tarmac.

I also don't understand a wedding. I understand a marriage, but I don't understand spending a year of my life focused on one day. I don't understand spending thousands of dollars on something that will virtually be over in the blink of an eye (after you wait the year to actually blink your eye).

I don't understand how something that is truly only about two people becomes about everybody else.

Brainstorming up a Wedding

2010-10-01T10:19:00.000-07:00

I like these for the flowers:

We should get married here:

First Presbyterian Church of Navasota

I'm thinking the bridesmaids should wear this:

http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Short-Chiffon-Halter-Dress-with-Pleating-F13954_Bridal-Party-Bridesmaids-Shop-By-Length-Short-Bridesmaid-Dresses

I'm thinking I like this for me:
http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Allover-beaded-lace-trumpet-gown-T9612_Bridal-Gowns-Features-Most-Popular

We should honeymoon here:

We should get married on April 2, but due to extenuating circumstances I'm really super hoping for March 5th.

Clown Soul

2010-07-10T14:19:00.000-07:00

"I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments."

I think this fits me to a T. I think I must like to struggle. I've had way more fun today than I did yesterday. Yesterday there was nothing going on PERIOD EXCLAMATION POINT. Today has just been a series of tiny crises.

My second attempt to make a cookie cake was a failure. It's okay because this time I failed in a completely different way than I did the first time. The first time I didn't have enough dough and had no clue how to spread the dough into the pizza crisper pan. This time I had both of those things figured out. However, I had no clue how to get the damned thing out of the pan in one piece. My attempt to flip it was a complete disaster. Now its oddly shaped cookie bars. Its the best I could do. They still taste good. Also, I managed to get cookie grease all over the present I had just wrapped Brian so I had to unwrap and rewrap it and clean up the colossal mess I made of the kitchen.

Give me a bunch of little problems, tasks, and things to do over boredom any day of the week and TWICE on Sunday.

i'm a cartoon character

2010-07-07T20:49:00.000-07:00

I'd like to say I've had a bad day, but with all that's going on in the world, I realize my day was really just a cartoon. You know the kind- the one where the silly clown drives a car that breaks down and the wheels fall off and the hood pops open and smoke seeps out from all over, and the one where the silly coyote is trying to run down the road runner on a bike when he hits a curb wrong and goes flying and little birdies circle all around his head.

It wasn't even as bad as all that. My friend Chelsea and I headed downtown in rush hour traffic to go to the friends and family event of my boyfriend's new restaurant opening. It's like 100 degrees in Texas this time of day in July so we are both hot and running the AC full blast so as not to show up as two separate puddles. Anyways, so the car is practically parked on the interstate for most of the trip and at red lights for the balance. The needle is dangling dangerously close to H for red hot, engine on fire. However, we make it there about six o'clock in tact and without blowing up the motor in my car. We walk in the restaurant which is wall to wall people, and we are immediately greeted by the other general manager working with Brian. I know its him even though we've never met, but he doesn't know its me. At least I don't think he does. He seems to stay right with us all through the restaurant and he's chatting it up. So I look at him for a minute and then I say like the Alabama blonde I am, "What's your name?" He says Ashton and extends his hand. I say I'm Katie, and then pause because I don't want to have to say Brian's girlfriend because that sounds stupid to me, so I just say Brian has told me a lot about you." I'm so not playing with a full deck.

Anyways, Chelsea and I miraculously manage to find a small booth and we sit and eat with Brian fetching us everything we need. He's a total sweetheart. We leave in good time, but the car which I've decided is now called Vicky, just like the GPS inside her, is not ready. Anyways, I crank her and she's all but coughing up blood. I never thought we would make it back to Plano but the last thing I wanted was to breakdown in Brian's restaurant parking lot on the day of the opening in my ancient car. I would have been mortified. I didnt care where I broke down as long as it wasn't there, so we get going with windows down and air off this time and backroads instead of the interstate and manage by the grace of God to make it back to my apt. I have no idea if the car will even crank in the morning for work but that's another day and today has had enough of its own junk.

When I finally get back I realize I will need to get outside and do something physical to calm my nerves so I decide to go for a little bike ride. In the car on the way back I was just remarking to Chelsea how we didn't get any rain like the weather people said we would. I'm about a mile from my apt, almost finished with my bike ride, when a large bolt of lightning distracts my focus for a second, I hit a curb just wrong and go flying through the air. Luckily, I managed to tuck and roll and land in the grass almost unscathed, but I'm all covered in dirt and grass stained up. There are a million people on the parkway and at the gas station who must have seen my wreck so I jump up and dust myself off and jump back on my bike, only to discover that my back tire is flat. Still, I rode the jewel about a quarter of a mile with the flat tire trying to be all nonchalant and then I walked her all the way in, just seconds before the rain came.

Life's tough, get a helmet!

Healing

2010-06-09T20:59:00.001-07:00

You are not sick. I don't care what your symptoms are. I don't care how you feel. I don't care what you've been diagnosed with. You are not sick. God healed you when he died for you on the cross. However, you have to claim the power of that healing.

No one gets to decide your health besides you and God. I've decided I'm not going to be sick and I've decided I'm not going to a doctor. God is my Great Physician. What more do I need? Do I need to put more faith in an earthly man and allow him to use my body like some chemistry experiment for the latest potion that the drug companies have concocted for him to pass out? Not hardly! Will I live and die according to some man's best guess on what's wrong with me or what will fix me? No, thanks.

I will live and die by faith in the Lord. If I'm wrong and I die of some simple disease that could have been cured by modern medicine, I'm gonna go home anyways and at least I won't have sat in fear and worry waiting for it to kill me, which is what so many people do after the doctor hands them their death sentence. There are a great many people who have lived on simply because they didn't let someone tell them that something was killing them.

The devil is a thief and a liar. He will steal your health, your joy, and your life if you let him because he knows he cannot steal your soul if you belong to the Heavenly Father. Your physical body, however, is of this world and he will bring hell to it if you don't guard yourself. He attacks your body through your mind. He gives you a slight physical manifestation, a symptom, if you will. It can be anything...a sore throat, a fever, swollen gland, pain in the side, irregular heart beat, a rash, and the list goes on. The devil is not without power here, and he has so much more of it than we give him credit for. It's not that he's not a good ventiliquist and puppeteer. He can do all this, and you won't see his lips move and you won't see the strings.

What we must remember is that while it's a very good act, it is nothing more than an act for Christians. Jesus Christ beat him and every demon and power he has on the cross. Therefore, the devil has NO power to determine your reality. He will do his best to convince you that you are very sick and there's something bad wrong with you and that if you don't get yourself to the doctor quick you will ultimately get worse and/or....GASP....DIE. Do not be afraid of death. We are immortal!

This is how easily the devil can take you out of this world if you let him. You get cold like symptoms. At first, you think its just a cold and you take over the counter medicine (first mistake). You don't get better. In fact, you get much worse. You've got a throat that burns, you've got a fever, you've got major fatigue and chills, you don't feel like eating, you feel dehydrated and exhausted. You go to the doctor (second mistake). They put you on antibiotics (third mistake). You don't get better so you go back to this same doctor and he gives you a different antibiotic (fourth mistake). You don't get better so he says he needs to check on your immune system (fifth mistake). Now, the Devil has you poised and ready to get some major disease that he can kill you with. What do we think when our immune system is not top knotch? HIV, cancer, heart failure, etc. Now he has you running scared.

This could be a crucial turning point. Why don't you stop at this point and tell the devil that you are not going to die. There is nothing wrong with you or your immune system except that your body had a pretty strong devil induced annoyance, and your body and your God would have fixed it except for two things. Number 1: you jacked up your body's abilities to heal itself by drugging it up. Number 2: you didn't seek your Heavenly Physician, you sought your earthly one. What good has he done you? Did he cure you? No, because he's a man and a man cannot in his own strength beat the devil, no matter how badly he wants to. This is because he has neither the strength nor the knowledge, and he usually has no clue what he's fighting or what his weapons are.

Here's the thing. The devil can make Christians "feel" sick. He can create symptoms and physical manifestations of sickness, but he cannot determine your reality if you won't let him. Therefore, when the devil shows you a sore throat, a fever, high blood pressure, irregular heart beat, high cholesterol... whatever the case may be tell him you are hip to his plan and you aren't buying it. Tell the devil...you are a thief and a liar and you do NOT get to determine the course of my life. I will not live in fear because you show me some symptoms of death. I will not get all frightened and run off to some modern doctor, who is really just a potion man with a lab coat instead of a bone through his nose.

I vote we tell the devil where to stick it. I vote we tell him, I see your numbness in my face radiating into my left arm. I raise you a BRING IT ON. I'm going to pray for my healing and know that if you do succeed in destroying this earthly body that the joke is on you because I'm going home and in the meantime I'm going to torture you by living in faith rather than worry and sickness. After all, the potion man can't cure us. He can only mitigate some of the symptoms some of the time, while giving us new ones (side effects) all along and telling us what to fear by telling us what we are dying from.

I'm not dying. Is my earthly body wasting away? Absolutely! Am I scared? No!
When its done wasting away to the point it is no longer functional, I'm going home. Right now, I'm going to live strong and healthy in the power of my God and I'm going to be every bit as happy as I would be if I weren't worrying about what other shoe the devil is about to drop on me. The devil will drop a bomb on you whenever he gets the chance, but your Savior is more powerful than all these things. Do not be afraid to look the devil in the face and laugh at him as you stand in the shadow of your Father's wings.

trying to learn to cook

2009-08-16T17:26:00.000-07:00

Things I've learned so far:

I still hate onions...be they sliced, diced, slivered, dehydrated, fried, powdered, soup mixed, etc. I hate ONIONS!

Superior Meat Loaf: (very easy and good if you like onions)

1 envelope onion soup mix

2 lbs ground beef

3/4 cup plain dry bread crumbs

2 eggs

3/4 cup water

1/3 ketchup

Preheat oven to 350. In large bowl, combine all ingredients. In 13 x 9 inch baking pan shape into loaf. Bake 1 hour until done. Let stand 10 minutes

Slow Cooker Pot Roast: (pretty simple and good aside from the onion soup mix)

1/4 cup water

4 medium red potatoes, cut in quarters

1 package peeled baby carrots

1 envelope onion soup mix

2 1/2 to 3 lbs bones beef chuck pot roast

Place water and three fourths of the vegetables in the slow cooker. Reserve 1 tablespoon onion soup mix. Sprinkle remaining onion soup mix over vegetables. Sprinkle and rub slat and pepper over the pot roast. Place pot roast on top of vegetables and place remaining vegetables around pot roast; sprinkle remaining onion soup mix on top.

Cook on low 8 to 9 hours or high 5 to 6.

Also, I hate mac n cheese, be it velveta or kraft although kraft is much better. It uses far less artificial ingredients even it is harder to make.

I like fried chicken....A LOT! :)

I like potatoes...particularly mashed but baked aren't bad either especially not if you load them down with all things bad for you. I'd like to learn how to Julienne a potato.

Bisquick does not make a good pizza crust even if they do have a recipe for that.

Biscquick Pizza
3 c. bisquick (less if like thin crust)

3/4 c. water

1 lb. ground beef

2 c. shredded

1 jar pizza sauce

Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Lightly grease pizza pan. Mix bisquick and water set aside. Cook ground beef until brown. Drain off grease. Add 1/2 jar of pizza sauce. Pat out bisquick in pan. Pour rest of pizza sauce on crust. Add beef mixture on top of tomato sauce. Top off with cheese. Bake 10 to 15 minutes until crust is golden brown and cheese melts.

I like sausage but only as balls so far.

Sausage Balls: (may be the best thing you can do with either bisquick or sausage)

2 1/2 cup bisquick mix

1 lb roll of jimmy dean sausage

8 oz grated cheese

Knead all of the above until moist. Pinch into ball shapes and bake on greased cookies sheet for 15 minutes at 425 or until tops are light brown

I like working with flour and sugar much better than with meat and flour.

Its more fun to make sweets than real meals because its easier to share sweets with the world.

I can make an excellent white chocolate macadmia nut cookie even if macadamia nuts are way over priced!

Its more fun to make cookies than cakes because the cookies always get eaten and the cake doesn't. It takes way longer to make cookies but it seems much harder to screw them up unless of course you add potato chips. That's not a good idea even though there is a recipe for that.

Potato Chip Cookies:

1 cup soft butter

1/2 cup sugar

1 3/4 cup all purpose flour

3/4 cup coarsely crushed potato chips

1 tsp vanilla

2/3 cup sifted powdered sugar

Cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add flour, potato chips and vanilla, beat well. Drop dough by rounded teaspoons onto ungreased cookie sheet. Bake at 350 for 10 to 12 minutes. Let cooll for five minutes on cookie sheet. Remove and place on wire rack. When cool, sprinkle with powdered sugar.

I cannot make Rice Krispie treats no matter how simple that recipe sounds:

Rice Krispie Treats:

3 tablespoon butter or margarine

I package (10 oz) regular marshmallows

6 cups rice krispies

In large saucepan melt butter over low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until completely melted, remove from heat. Add cereal and stir until well coated. Using buttered spatula evenly press mixture into 13 x 9 inch pan coated with cooking spray.

Honey cookies are really good even if impossible to put onto the cookie sheets.

Touch O Honey

1 yellow cake mix

2 eggs

1/3 cup honey

1/3 cup margarine

1/c cup flour

Preheat oven to 350. Blend half of cake mix, honey, margarine, and flour, then beat until fluggy, mixing in rest of cake mix. Bake on ungreased cookie sheet 10 to 12 minutes.

There is no way to mess up peanut butter cookies no matter how you make them.

Example 1: (very very easy and good)
Peanut Butter Cookies:
1 cup peanut butter
1 cup sugar
1 egg

Mix all ingredients until it all forms 1 large ball. Pinch off small balls about the size of your thumb, place on cookie sheet and press our with fork to make crisscross design on top. Bake at 350 appoximately 10 minutes

Example 2: (very easy to mess this one up because the dough is very dry. I usually finess with more oil)
1 yellow cake mix
2 eggs
1/3 cup oil
3/4 cup crunchy peanut butter
sugar

Preaheat oven to 350. Mix together cake mix, eggs, and oil until powder is completely dissolved into dough. Stir in peanut butter. Drop balls of dough into a small bowl of sugar, then place on a greased cookie sheet. Press fork horizontally and then vertically across each ball to flatten. Bake 10-12 minutes or until golden brown.

Example 3:
3/4 cup unsalted butter
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
1 large egg
1 teaspoo vanilla
3/4 cup peanut butter
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 cups all purpose flour

Cream the butter and sugars until light and fluffy. Beat in the peanut butter, egg, and vanilla extract. In a separate bowl whisk together the flour, baking soda, and salt. Add to the peanut butter

I'm not done with this topic just yet but its time to study insurance.

need to be bold

2009-06-14T09:21:00.000-07:00

God is all powerful so he can allow Noah to live 800 years, years as we know them today, or years as they knew them in that time period or whatever. To God, a year is as a day so time is irrelevant to him anyways.

God is love. If we suffer, starve, are abused, molested, diseased, beaten, broken, robbed, cursed, alienated, tortured, neglected, and killed God's love is still unconditional. Just because bad things happen to you does not mean God has forsaken you or has stopped listening to your prayers or cries for help. God's plan for our lives is still right regardless of whether or not we can see or understand the plan and the big picture.

God allows free will. Just because sin and evil run rampant through this world does not mean God is not still in control. If the Devil lies to me and hardens my heart and I treats others harshly, coldly, and without love in my heart, God remains the same. My sin and my failure do not take power away from God. It takes power away from me.

Do I believe that the only people going to Heaven, that the only chosen people, are followers of Christ Jesus? With my whole heart! Being a part of this select few is not a view that I hold due to pride. How do I know? Because it does not make me happy to know that so few will spend eternity in Heaven with me. Why does a merciful God deny anyone Heaven? He doesn't.

Heaven is offered to us all and many reject it. God doesn't make you go; he just asks you if you want to and tells your heart how to get there. God allows free will because he created us in his own image to fellowship with him. If we are drones with no choice but him and no choice but heaven, it doesn't mean anything. He wants us to choose to give our lives to him. He doesn't want to take them from us.

I've been told that it is Hubris and close mindedness to believe that Christians are the only religion going to Heaven. That belief is incidental to me. I hold that belief by default. I believe in God and that Jesus Christ is my Savior. Here comes the default part. The fact that I believe that means that I believe I need a savior, and what am I being saved from if not eternal damnation and separation from God because of my sins? Therefore, believing that Jesus Christ came and died on the cross for my sins, and believing I need a savior, then how could I believe everyone else doesn't?

Adopting the tenents and beliefs of Christianity is not pride; it is the absolute letting go of self pride. It is to say: my life has no value if I'm not being poured out as an instrument of Christ. Salvation, following Jesus Christ, living the abundant life, and eternity in Heaven are gifts. Furthermore, they are gifts meant to be shared. God intended for us to be fishers of men, to spread the Good News.

He did not intend for us to look at living our lives for him as burdens to shield others from but as a gift to joyfully share, regardless of their response to it or the stereotypes that world would place on it. I cannot control the lies the Devil will feed those around me, all I can do is offer the Truth as an alternative. I do not look at sharing my faith as cramming what I believe down the throats of others. I look at it as offering them an alternative to the evil and superficiality of this world to accept the peace, love, comfort, and strength that comes from knowing Christ Jesus.

I will not "open minded" myself right into hell. My believing that this religious group or that one will or will not be in hell has nothing to do with where they spend their eternity. What I believe about my salvation does, however, have everything to do with where I will spend mine, and I do believe that in order to get to heaven I must accept Jesus Christ as my Savior. I am not perfect. I am a sinner. Sin separates separates me from God and the wages of sin is death. Jesus Christ only can forgive me for those sins and reunite me with the Father.

God's word says many are called, few are chosen.
Wide is the road and narrow is the path that leads to salvation.
He stands at the door and knocks...

The Southern Way

2009-05-22T17:06:00.001-07:00

I grew up in Alabama. I'm living in Texas. It's not the same.
Southerners, those from the Southeast, not the Southwest, as Texans still think they are Southern, have a way all their own.

Southerners are independent, stubborn, and proud as hell. We have this I can do it all on my own and take on the whole world while doing it attitude. It's this concept that I don't need anything from anyone and don't want to be a burden anyways.

The flip side of that is that no one in the South wants you to feel like a burden. They won't make you ask for help. Because they love and care about you, they'll take notice of your needs and just get it taken care of. They won't make you reach out and humble yourself to the point of saying I can't do this or I need help with that. Because they know you'd rather do without and endure any hardship to avoid that, and that if they have to ask you to do something for them that it won't mean anything. They know you have the same needs they do and that if you wanted to help them you'd have done it already. They don't want you to help them begrundingly and they'd rather eat shit and die than be your charity case. As a result, a Southern person will help the stupid SOB who won't ask for help and never mention having done it and not even expect a thank you.

The interaction goes a little something like this:
"You didn't have to do that. I could have taken care of that myself."
"I know. I just saw it needing doing and felt like doing it.

As you can see, much of what is transpiring goes unsaid. The emotion is lacking entirely from the conversation, but there is so much heart in what took place there that I don't know that outsiders can really get a feel for it.

Many Southerners don't really own anything of value. Therefore, the value is in the way they live and treat each other. Life becomes about how you can prove yourself a good man or woman and how you love those around you. Life is not about what you drive, earn, live in, or own. It's not about what you have or who you're trying to become. It's about what you give away and who you are. It's about who trusts and believes in you and what you believe in.

I was born and raised there. I'll you to my dying day that I don't need help with anything. That doesn't mean I don't want help and it doesn't mean I wouldn't let you help me.
It means I want you to recognize the need and never think of me as a burden, but think of it as a joy to do things for me because you care enough about me. On the outside, I'm a hard ass, but about six layers deep I have a heart of gold. Is it easy to get down there to see that? Hell no! I'll fight you every step of the way. Why? Because where I come from, people don't expect life to be easy, and the things worth fighting for are the only things worth having anyways. So why would I give you that which is valuable to me if you don't value it enough to fight for it?

I like Texas pretty well and I'm happy out here, but I miss feeling safe the way I do when I'm in the company of true Southerners. In my mind, heaven is being surrounded by a handful of people whose lives are lived to serve and please God, and whose goal is to figure out how to treat one another better. It seems like most of the people I've met out here live their lives only to have one experience after another, just to say I did that, I tried that. That's their definition of being alive, and their interaction with one another is not about being better to each other it's about trying to get the better of one another.

They never ask themselves of what value their expereiences are. They never ask whether it would be pleasing to God, whether they'd learn anything, or in any way enrich those around them. To me, they live their lives for no greater purpose than their own pleasure, and because of this I don't trust them and I feel like I spend my time in their company on the defensive. I feel like they wait to terrorize me and rip me limb from limb, just for the experience of it.

The people I've met out here seem to think you back your friends no matter what. I don't believe in that. I believe when they are wrong, you say their wrong. I believe you love them enough to make them experience the pain of growing into a better person. I believe we are a reflection of those we spend our time with. Therefore, if we don't reflect light back to one another, even when it burns, that we'll all walk in darkness.

I want to spend my time with people whose esteem I'm trying to be good enough to earn, rather than to spend my time with people I'm trying to be bad enough to impress.

Corinthinians Love

2008-12-19T17:00:00.001-08:00

Love Always Perserves by Rev Jonathan Riddle

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
C.S. Lewis remarked within hours after losing his wife to bone cancer, "Why love if losing hurts so much?"

I suppose the reason why losing hurts deeply is because we love deeply. The scriptures teach us that loving is as much about us as it is about the other person. The reason we love others is to know that we're not alone. Lewis wrote, "I can teach now of costly love because of my own personal experience ... personal experience is the brutal teacher."
I write this column to share from my heart as a Christian, as a pastor and from my own personal experience. My older brother has struggled on and off with drug addiction for as many years as I can remember. It is hard to put into words watching someone you love slowly killing themselves in front of you. Most of my family has cut themselves off because it is too painful to stay engaged.
I suspect I would follow the same pattern if I fail to remember my own story of Jesus raising my life from out of the ashes. Believe me, I'm not strong and I'm not brave, and yet I know that I am a Christian with a burden to carry and a message to share. That is no matter how far someone falls, no matter how deep the pit, we must tell them that "no pit is so deep that God's love is not deeper still."
As Christians, we are called to stay engaged even at great cost to ourselves, because this is exactly what our master did for us, He laid down His life that we might have it, and no servant is greater than his master.
Since SouthPoint's beginning just over two years ago, one of the great lessons I'm learning is that everybody has a story. Every story is different and yet they're all somewhat familiar, asking the same questions, how do you love someone, how do you stay engaged, when it hurts so much?
Recently I watched again, one of my favorite movies, "A River Runs Through It." Norman Maclean's (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Norman_Maclean) great American novel has touched so many because it depicts the emotions of those who've risked to love and suffered because of it. He shares of his experience listening to his father's last sermon on costly love shortly before his death.
"Each one of us today will at one time in our lives look upon a loved one who is in need and ask the same question: We are willing help Lord, but what, if anything, is needed? For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so it those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love completely without complete understanding."

Mission Statement

2008-12-17T18:36:00.000-08:00

I will not let anything I attempt to do in honor of God come between me and God or become bigger to me than God.
I will not let myself be defined by any one thing other than God.
I will not tolerate idols in my life even if they appear to me as seemingly good things. Anything other than God in which you invest too much of your time, money & mental resources is an idol. Do not let even the best things in your life get out or proportion; all things in moderation.

Do not think you have the power to throw anything in the devil's face other than God. Any victory over satan is not yours and not come from any power of yours...to God be the glory!

Eliminate anything that is the source of your anger with God.
Do not tolerate negative self talk.

I will stop wearing abstinence around like some Christian badge of honor, like some special thing I have or am. BULLSHIT!

Just be liberated and free now that you don't have a ten foot wall around you dooming all your relationships to failure "for God" and then blaming Him for it.

Good Steward

2008-08-04T12:58:00.000-07:00

Tithing: Giving 10% of my gross income to the Church.
10% doesn't sound like much at first, until you put it into practice and find yourself writing a check every two weeks for that 10%. You start thinking about all the things you could buy with that money: the extras you are doing without, the unexpected expenses it would cover, the trips you could take, the exam materials for your job you could buy, etc.
You even find yourself saying, well I would like to contribute money to the insurance program at my former college and since that is charitable giving, I can just not tithe that particular paycheck and use that money for the insurance program. God won't mind; it's a good cause. It's an all too familar little voice, and it belongs to the devil. While it's true, that is a good cause, it's not "kindgom building" money. The professor of that program does not even believe in Jesus Christ. She thinks Buddha is the end all and be all. She wonders why life is so hard and why she is unhappy and she still thinks the Buddha she wears around her neck (that idol) has any power to make her life any better, any more fulfilled, any more peaceful. Sad.
The major point is that tithing is one of the easiest ways to find out what people believe about God. Do they really have faith? Do they really trust Him to provide for them when they give up all that additional money every month? Do they really believe that God will bless that money and that its use will be better than anything they could do with it? Do they really believe He will bless their efforts tenfold as He promises to do?
Look at what people spend their money on and you will see what kind of person you are dealing with. Is it all about the latest technology? the fanciest cars? the nicest houses? Is it all about cheap thrills on a Friday night?
Or is it about making the lives of others better, easier? Simplifying: appreciating more and having less? Learning to be satisfied with less stuff to bless the lives of others more?
I recently started my adult career in January and have just very recently started tithing. One of the hardest things I've ever done in my walk with God is writing that check and dropping that money in the collection plate every two weeks when I get paid. It is a perpetual dying to one's self and choosing God and His ways above my own. When you start talking money with people, you are hitting them where they live. I've never even considered myself to be a materialistic, money-grubbing sort of person so I've been surprised at how difficult I've found this to be.
What I try to do is remind myself that this money is not mine. It has never belonged to me. It's always been God's money and for me to withhold it from Him is to steal from the Kingdom of God. When I take my last breath here and go back home, I do not want to explain to Him why it is I decided to steal from the Kingdom of God. I don't want to say, well, God, you see: I needed those books for my professional designation, and I needed to fly to Chicago to visit my friend, and I had to get work done on my car, and I had to have my fillings replaced, and I needed a new TV, and I wanted a bike so that's why the missionaries didn't get sent and that's why the children weren't fed, and that's why X number of people perished without ever knowing you.
He will say that is why you had more and enjoyed less and that's why your faith couldn't move mountains and why you never experienced true peace. That's why you never really experienced the intimate relationship with me I intended you to have. You didn't trust me with your everything, so there is no way I could give you the abundant life I came to earth and died on the cross that you might enjoy.
The truth is that every monetary benefit I experience is a direct result of the blessings which God bestows upon me. The reason why I'm as financially stable as I am is solely because God has seen fit to bless me. God tells us that those who can be trusted with little will be given much and those who cannot be trusted with little, even what they have will be taken from them. That doesn't mean that some months you won't be scraping by. I promise you, you will. It simply means that your Heavenly Father will provide for you and always has your best interests at heart. Your needs will always be met, even if you don't always think they are. After all, God has a really different perspective than we do on what we need. The difference is he actually knows what we need.
If you really believe that giving 10% of your income to God is going to break you financially, you might want to re-evaluate where the other 90% is going.

Beam me up Scotty

2008-08-04T11:49:00.000-07:00

I feel like an alien here, but God promised me I would.
Try telling people what you believe about living the life of a Christian, and they look at you like you have more than a few screws loose, even other Christians.
People closest to you will tell you that you aren't being realistic and living that way is not even practical.
Is it any wonder they say this? Let's revisit the first sentence: God promised us we would be aliens here. Besides that, God told us that we are not the ones being rejected. We are rejected because they first rejected Him.
This is not your home so don't live here like you are all cozy and wallow around in the slum and sin of the world.
Our Heavenly Father said, "If you love me, obey my commands." That's what I'm striving to do; I'm not always successful and I fail time and again, which is why I thank God for His grace and His mercy. However, what matters to God is that we adopt the attitude of Paul. We have to fight the good fight, we have to finish the race, and above all we have to keep the faith.
Faith is what you makes you willingly live a life contrary to all the lives around you, whatever it costs you here. I may not ever fully experience all the pleasures of this world, but what I do know is that any earthly sacrifice is nothing in comparison with the joy and fullness of a life lived for something greater than yourself, something so much greater than the superficial "happiness" of a life lived for things that are perishing and people who are but a breath.
I'm living my life for a Heavenly Father who is eternal and unshakeable. It is for this that I'm not willing to risk that which lasts forever on that which, at best, lasts 70 years but that could most likely disappear in the blink of an eye.
It all comes down to what you believe. I would be one of the top sinners indulging in the flesh if I did not believe that I have an eternal soul that is going one of two places after this earthly body fades away. Rather than a life of eternity in hell with shame and pain and "knashing of teeth," I choose a life of eternal holy joy and peace with my Father in Heaven.
Accepting the sacrifice of Jesus Christ is the way to get there. It's a catch 22 though because having accepted that sacrifice for the gift it is I cannot help but devote my life to Him. Through it all, I find peace here, amidst the schemes and whiles of the devil because try as he might to discourage me and make me believe that Jesus Christ is not all He claims to be, the devil has no dominion over me. I belong to Jesus Christ and my name is in the Book of Life. :)

If I can see the speck in your eye it is because I have less than a speck of love in my heart

2008-03-30T20:04:00.001-07:00

Jesus? Who is Jesus? Jesus is our savior who walked this earth preaching love, grace, and forgiveness. He spoke of hope and salvation for all sinners, not saints alone. He spoke of love covering over a multitude of sins. He spoke of correcting our brothers and sisters in Christ for not loving one another enough, for not building each other up, for not serving one another.
I know sin is all the same to God, but with my human mind and heart and soul it seems like one of the worst sins of all is to live a life devoid of true love for others-a life you spent sitting in negative judgement and criticism of others. A life of picking specks of sawdust from the eyes of others, despite the plank in your own eye.
A person of genuine warmth and kindness and friendliness who welcomes strangers and makes them feel like home is with us, the body of believers, the followers of Christ is who I want to be. I want to be someone who inspires peace and hope and confidence in others. I want to be someone who makes others believe first of all in our Savior and secondly in themselves. I don't want to inspire doubt and fear and confusion or self pity or hoplessness.
Okay so I'm a sinner; one who drinks and cusses and has sexually impure thoughts who fails to be as giving of my time as I should, who fails to have a servant's heart, and who fails to have a heart of true repentance the way I ought.
What do I not do? I don't fill the world up full of my judgement of its behavior. It's not my job! Or my right. It's my Father's job and he didn't delegate that duty to me. I don't critize and I don't make others feel bad, not for the things they don't accomplish or for their appearance and I don't make others feel like nothing, like they aren't special and they aren't valuable and they shouldn't be heard or that I don't want them around or that I feel sorry them.
I've met some people recently that represent the kind of person I want to be. They welcome new people into their group with open arms, like old friends. They get to know them just to shine the light of God into their lives. They find ways to include others in fellowship and they find ways to use their time and talents to serve God and teach to others to do the same, because he says "when I was hungry, you fed me. When I was thirsty, you gave me something to drink. When I was naked, you clothed me." They understand that as they do these things for one another, they do them unto God.
I cannot live a life of perfection on this earth. Of that, I have no doubt. But I will not live a life of misery doing what I can to make those around me miserable by constantly verbally belittling and berating them for the mistakes in their lives, pretending that because I do not drink and do not cuss and have never had a night of lust and I do not have piercings and tatoos and children out of wedlock or landed in prison for DUI or dropped out of college or gone bankrupt or smoked pot or what not that I'm the superior and ultimate Christian who gets to judge those who have done any or all those things.
I do not have that right! Neither do you! No one on this earth does. That is the business of Heaven! Besides, I would prefer any and all the sins on that list to having a hardened and calloused heart trying in vain to observe the law like a Pharisee paying lip service to God and all the while hating my brethen, his very children.
What do you accomplish if you have not love? You have nothing, you gain nothing. We were meant to point the lost to Jesus. Jesus is so much more love than he is judgment. Love saves people. Judgment is reserved even by God until the very end. Only when we are beyond saving are we are judged and condemned, never before that. God doesn't do it because he knows that until the very end there is hope for us and that judgment inspires and saves no one. Judgment is nothing more than the exclamation point of dissatisfation on a life lived without God. Judgment is not about a life full of mistakes. Unlike human beings God forgives failures and flaws.
You fail God only when you refuse to let him do for you what you cannot do for yourself. You cannot save yourself. You cannot follow the law. You can only follow Jesus. Take your sins and your imperfections and cover over their multitude with the love of Christ and pour it all out into the world of sinners. Love the evil in your heart out and love it out of others.
Don't judge others but remind and encourage your brothers and sisters in Christ to love another with the love Christ has shown us.

BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE

2008-03-02T19:46:00.000-08:00

I am so blessed.
My arms bend at the elbow.
My legs are the same length.
I can feed, dress, and bathe myself.
I can walk, talk, breathe and use the restroom without the aid of man or machine.
I can hear and see.
I speak without a lisp, only a Southern accent.
I have food to spare, even if it does show a little about my waist.
I have no diet restrictions, no allergies to food.
I am not required to take presciption medicines.
I have a comfy, warm, and clean bed to sleep in.
I have clean water to bathe in and to drink.
I have family and friends who love me.
I have a job in a nice environment, and I have a car that gets me there.
I have plenty of clothes in my closet.
I live in a country founded in freedom and democracy, even if I'm not fond of the political candidates this go round.
I can worship my Lord and Savior whenever, wherever, and however I please, free of persecution or danger.

I have a past full of happy memories, and a future of hope.
I am blessed beyond measure.
I do not have problems, only mere annoyances.
Again I say, I'm blessed beyond measure.
Perhaps, you are too, despite your arguing yourself to the contrary.

FOR BAD NEWS

2008-03-01T00:09:00.000-08:00

The hardest thing to learn?
This life will have misery, no matter how we live it.
However, suffering as a Child of God has purpose and it is a sweet suffering, a suffering borne of faith, hope, and love.
Suffering without salvation in Jesus Christ is total misery encased in hopelessness and worthlessness.
We draw close to God-we pray, we read our Bibles, and we go to Church.
What do we find?
We still struggle. Life is still hard.
Why, God, why is it hard?
It's hard because Satan hates that you're trying to be close to your Heavenly Father.
Plus, Satan knows what your greatest, deepest, darkest, most hideous, shameful and embarassing weaknesses are, and he bombards you with them daily. It's different for all of us. Some of us struggle with self-confidence others with pride and self love. Some of us love those on this earth too much and some of us don't love them enough. Some of us love material possessions too much and some make money an idol. Some of us hate our lives and do not have peace and joy but nothing more than the self pity and depression that come when you don't have a life filled with the peace and unbroken heart that only faith in our Lord Jesus Christ can give you. Some of us break every law in the Bible with no consideration of the consequences and others of us are so legalistic that we drain out every ounce of love that Jesus breathed into the Bible. Did you not see the verses that say that "Love covers over a multitude of sin." That's not a metaphor!!

You are in a war, you Christian Soldier! Bad things are going to happen to you. You are a human being and that is the human experience on this earth. This earth is run and controlled by demons and it has been infiltrated with the evil of Satan. Make no mistake about it: All evil is of Satan and all good is of God.

Can God can make sure evil and hard times never befalls you? Absolutely! But why would He? Think about this. If you are never attacked and you never feel the depth of your own weakness, you will also never find your source of strength in God.

With every trial and tribulation in your life that you take right back to God and lay at the foot of the cross and say, "I can't carry this with my own strength. It has to be you working through me. You have to stand for me because I can't," stengthens your testimony and shines the Glory of God into the world, which is what it so desperately needs!

You don't show the light and the love of God by reacting to pain and suffering and disaster and catastophe and betrayal and the heinous acts of others by crumbling like the world, by wringing your hands. You can only glorify God when you learn that happiness is not conditional. It is doing the will of God no matter what that means, no matter the sacrifice, no matter what you lose on account of it. It is that little voice at the end of the day, that says, "yes, Lord, yes yes Lord! I will forever trust and follow after you." It is Lot saying, "yes, Lord, I have lost everything of this world that meant anything to me, but I still belong to you. My heart is still yours!"

I want that to be what rings in eternity for me. I want that to be what I leave behind. I don't care what happens to me on this earth, what my experience is, what the cross I carry is, what the thorn in my side is. I want the message that rings in all eternity for me to be: "LORD, MY HEART IS STILL YOURS!"

After all, Satan is going to take some of the things that you love from you. The only way you can rob him back is to smile through the tears and take it to God. Run it back to the stronghold!

You know why you are special? The only thing that makes you special is belonging to God. His ownership, his blessings, his love, his mark, his suffering make you all the special you will ever need to be. The biggest loser on this earth that belongs to God is better off than anyone who doesn't, regardless of the trappings of wealth or success of this world.

Be fearless on this earth. Know that your confidence, your heart, your soul and the way in which you define yourself can never be broken, diminished or destroyed because it's all about the way God loves you, and that love is eternal and unforsakeable.

All you can do is glorify the One who has given you everything, and give others just a little bit of that peace and a little bit of that love.

Live outward. Focus on others and how you can serve them and lead them to God. How can you lighten their burden? If that's your focus, you will find you are carrying your burdens without feeling their weight.

Be prepared to serve God even when you're not too jazzed about it. I was in a young women's Bible study one time and one of the girl's said, "I don't think I could handle being single for a lifetime." The woman leading the Bible study said, "can you handle being single today?" That's the point: God's grace is sufficient for today, every single day.

Live in today. Do the best you can with what you have where you are, and take everything else to God. I am fearless, bold, outgoing, ambitious, intelligent, focused, and driven because God is to the right of me and to the left of me, he is beneath and above me. He is behind me and in front of me and within me. God surrounds me! I'm protected and blessed beyond all measure. I am His and he lets himself be mine-my Father, my portion, my peace, my fortress, strongold, and protector, healer, my everything!

Corporate Life

2008-02-08T18:56:00.001-08:00

TV Shows often portray the bad sucky corporate sent person who comes into the work environment and messes everything up for everyone else.
I've never thought about it until just recently but that sucks.
I feel like I was brought in by corporate since I was handpicked by the CEO of this company to come in and slide in above people who have been there forever.
It sucks because secretly these people are jealous of you and some of them may even despise you and all of them most likely secretly hope you screw up.
It's not like TV portrays it. I'm not wretched and I have worked my ass off to get where I am.

Maybe it's just TV because everyone seems nice, but having people train you so you can move in above them is more than just a little uncomfortable.

Walking on Broken Glass

2008-01-25T17:41:00.000-08:00

Satan is kicking my ass, but I'm not losing.

Last night I came home from Walmart, and I could not find a place in my complex to park.
I ended up parking in East Buddha and then carrying all of my groceries up three flights of stairs in several trips.

Today, I went to have my fingerprints done at the Prometric Testing Center so I can convert my insurance producer's license from Alabama to Texas. I left 30 minutes before the appointment and the place is not far away.

However, I drove down the road the place is located on in the wrong direction. I didn't discover this until the address numbers on the block randomly changed from 9700 to 4500. Then, I stopped at a gas station to ask for directions where I encountered a Chinese gas station attendant, who could not understand me. Thankfully, there was also a sweet older English speaking woman there who revealed to me I had driven about 10 miles in the wrong direction.

Needless to say, I was late for the appointment. I finally arrived and realized there was no parking spaces in front of it. The Prometric Center's patrons have to park on the third level of a garage, which I had trouble finding. However, I finally parked and went in and a sweet black lady did my fingerprints. Upon leaving, however, I discovered that the door I had left the garage from was locked so I had to walk up the ramp I had driven up to get to my car.

After the appointment, I decided to have a late lunch at Burger King and then catch a matinee movie. The place across the street from BK shows older movies for a buck. I saw Fred Clause because it's what was playing when I got there.

I thoroughly enjoyed my $1.00 movie and came out of the theatre in good spirits. As I approached my car, I saw that the passenger side window had been shattered and was in a million pieces all over my front seat. Seeing that and realizing it had actually happened was quite surreal and traumatic. I saw that a note had been left on my car from the Plano Police Deparment. I called to find out that someone saw the two guys who had broken the window and were in my car trying to steal the radio. The guy apparently ran them off and called the cop who had come out and done a report, complete with a picture of the damage. He said they had a partial plate on perpetrators' car.

When I got home, I called some auto repair guys who said they are coming out tomorrow to fix the damage. Luckily, it's only going to cost about $150 and they can do it tomorrow, so it won't interfere with work.

I decided I would be disciplined and go to the gym and run and try to shake it all off. As I was pulling my hair back, I dropped my brush in the commode.

When I got to the gym in my apartment complex, it's closed all weekend for remodeling. Perfect! The weekend is the best time for me to run since I have a long weekend and I don't get off of work until seven every night.

While fixing myself some supper, I ate some carrots and ranch dressing, so naturally I dropped the bowl of them on my kitchen floor.

Today has definitely been an eventful day off. The important thing though is that I did what I wanted to do today despite the bumps along the road and that Satan, despite his obvious and desperate attempts, to rob me off my happiness has failed miserably. I am still full of the love and peace of my Lord and Savior.

What have I proven if when the going gets tough I curse my luck and sob, "Why me?" "Why do bad things always happen to me?" Nothing! I cannot call myself a follower of Christ unless I seek Him and praise His name in the good times as well as the bad.

Loving the Lord and defeating Satan is about smiling when Satan punches you in the face. It's about navigating this life, with all its hardship, with God's grace. Allowing anger or misery or sadness to infiltrate you is what destroys you. The things on the outside of the body cannot harm us. Only the things that we allow to pentrate us, to settle in our souls can do that.

Did I have a bad afternoon? Absa-freaking-loutely! But it's a wonderful night!

On the Wings of an Eagle

2008-01-20T21:35:00.000-08:00

Everyone I meet when they find out I moved out here from Alabama keeps asking, "Do you have family out here? Do you have friends out here?" I simply say, "nope," and I can tell they think I'm bold or adventurous or extremely independent or something like that. Many people back in Alabama seem to think the same thing.

The truth is: I did not move out here by myself. I'm a coward, and I never would.

The only reason I'm able to move halfway across the United States is because my Heavenly Father is with me. No matter where I go or what I do, he is always with me. He will never leave me or forsake me. He is always my source of comfort and peace and love and hope, which is why when the demons whisper lies in my ear:

"You are all alone out here. You have no friends and no family. You are in over your head. You are never going to make it. You are lonely. You are scared. In fact, you are not even going to be good at your job, and your bills are piling up."

I can look Satan in the face and call him the liar he is. This war that rages everyday between the Kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Chaos is a lot easier when you realize what's going on. I can see all my fear and doubt for what it is....lies. Today I'm not getting my ass kicked because God is allowing me to see the enemy trying to work in my life. After all, you can't fight what you can't see. "I once was blind, but now I see."

I'm living on faith and hope. I will make friends out here. I will be good at my job. I will be happy and make myself a home in Texas. I will do it by God!

How do I know?
Because my Lord and Savior promised it. He promised he had plans to prosper me and not to harm me. He promised me the abundant life. He promised me that if I asked for anything in his name I would have it.

And guess what?
He never renigs on a promise. He is the embodiment of truth.

Again with my favorite quote: God asked them to step out into the darkness where they could not see, and they did, knowing that either there would be something solid to stand on or they would be taught how to fly.

When changes in life push us out of our comfort zones, let us always remember that while there might not be anything solid to stand on, we are being taught how to fly.

Isaiah 40:31 tell us that "those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint."

Am I fearless, courageous, bold, independent? Hell No! I'm using the biggest crutch of all...Jesus Christ! I'm using His eagle's wings!

Jeremiah 9:23, 24 and 1 Corinithians 1:31 say, "Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord." I'm boasting at the top of my virtual lungs! I could not be more proud to understand and know that the "Lord excercises kindness, justice, and righteousness on this earth."

It's your life, and it's your battle. You don't have to fight with the weapons which God has given you...his word of truth (Bible) and prayer, but the battle will rage on either way, and you are going to take hits no matter what. Don't just stand there...sock Satan in the face! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I thank God, for his Holy Spirit which dwells in me, has me fired up and all I can think about Satan is: Let me at him!

Evan and Jaron understand

2007-12-20T12:41:00.000-08:00

Dating. Haha. I've done a ton of that lately. J/K. There doesn't seem to be any point in it. I mean really. It seems like no matter where I'm living or where the guy is living when the thing starts out, either he or I or both of us will be in two completely different cities further away then when it got started before long. It's even like that with guys I just think about dating.

First off, I was in Birmingham and he was there too.
Then I was in Troy and he is was still in Birmingham.

Secondly, he was in Tuscaloosa and I was in Troy.
Then he was in Destin and I was in Troy.

Thirdly, finally, we are both in Troy.
Then, he is in Montgomery and I'm in Birmingham.

Now I'm in Troy and soon I'll be in Texas.

Just once, I would like a dating relationship of mine to run from beginning to end, having never ended over anything to do with distance.

I'm really good at the long distance relationship. I'm not needy or clingy and I don't mind traveling and have no problem trusting someone or getting them to trust me. Ideally though, the distance would lessen not become greater.

Special is every day not called holiday

2007-12-20T12:00:00.000-08:00

As everyone close to me has been hearing for the past several weeks, I hate the holidays!! It is just this wretched time of year other people declared to be special a long time ago. I think it just stresses most people out and depresses the rest. It's either people don't have enough money or time to buy presents for everyone they feel obligated to or they don't have anything great to do with fun people or they have to work and can't be with their families.

During all the time when we lived in Gardendale and it could have been fun, my mom has had to work. Now that we are living in a cracker jack box of a house, she is finally off for Chistmas. Our family is tiny, so it will basically just be me, my parents, and my unpleasant grandparents who don't have a single nice or loving thing to say to anyone. I'm too old to care about presents and I hate holiday food. Plus, Christmas is lousy because all anyone does is lay around and eat and there is nowhere to go because everything is closed and you can't escape with your friends because they are all engrossed in their families whether they want to be or not. Then there is nothing to watch on TV save for the same three Christmas movies shown on marathon mode.

New Year's isn't any better. We have been conditioned to believe that we what do for New Year's and who we spend it with sets the tone for the rest of the year. It makes me worry about myself. I never seem to be able to find anything fun to do or friends, though I have plenty of them, to spend it with.

I love my family and I love my Savior but I hate the holidays! Every other day that hasn't been named a holiday/ "special occasion" always seems to be a pretty damned good day because then people just do what they want to do with who they want to do it with, minus the bullshit and the obligation.

Think about it: Big holidays like Christmas, New Year's, Thanksgiving, Easter, etc are the only days that make you feel like you are supposed to be doing something in particular with particular people instead of doing what you would ordinarily be doing. If you aren't ordinarily a good person having a good time with people you love then some select days on a calendar are not going to save you from yourself.

Funny but if on Christmas I was to sit around in my room eating a hot pocket drinking some beer and watching good old movies, then I'm considered to be a sad lonely miserable person, but if I were to do that any other day people would just think I was just kicking back relaxing.

Special to me is unplanned. Special is what develops when were you weren't planning anything. Special is spur of the moment fun times together and spur of the moment joyfulness and thoughtfulness. Special is not going through the same motions every year because a day on the calendar is designated as special.

Special is what every day feels like to me that isn't called holiday:
-Special is not coming home for Christmas. It's I have a big interview coming up and I want to be home with mom and dad for counsel and moral support.
-Special is not Christmas presents. It's a friend who gives you a big plastic tub for a gift because you're moving.
-Special is not baked holiday goodies. It's a roommate who makes you homemade mac and cheese and cookies when your drunk and cinnamon rolls when you're cramming for an exam.
-Special is not Christmas dinner. It is family turkey helper nights with my married best friends
-Special is not the last minute dash to pick up a Christmas present. It is going out and getting fourth meal in the middle of the night with best friends.
-Special is not Chrismas decorations. Special is lighting up the whole house and decorating it top to bottom for a suprise birthday party.

Superman dressed as Tarzan

2007-06-24T11:50:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna love you better than anyone else
I'm gonna hold you in the highest regard every day
I'm gonna swallow my pride in each and every way
And do my best to always speak the words I should say.

So don't tell me that you're Superman
Don't tell me that you're strong as Tarzan
Just tell me that you'll be my man
Baby, by taking my hand

Then Tell me that you won't go
Unless it's with the flow
Tell me that you'll stay
And you'll never go astray

Tell me you won't let me leave
But that you'll always believe
We weren't meant to be
Even when it's not what you see.

I'm gonna love you better than anyone else
I'm gonna hold you in the highest regard every day
I'm gonna swallow my pride in each and every way
And do my best to always speak the words I should say.

lies and shadows

2007-05-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

I am getting my ass kicked! I'm not battleready! I'm a sorry ass excuse for a soldier today. Today, Lord, I need you to drag my wounded ass off the field. Lord, I have gone into battle without my armor and I'm not even swinging my sword. I have it sitting on my hip and am walking around in a daze.
I've been in a bad mood with a bad attitude for weeks now. "Oh," I cry, "I'm the weakened victim!" I'm letting the demons ride me. I'm allowing them to have power over me. I'm letting them sit there, one on each shoulder, and whisper lies into my ears. I'm letting them rob me of my God-given peace and joy! Hell, if you are going to let someone lie to you at least make it good news!
I said to God, I'm still using my sword; I'm still in your word. He quickly made clear to me, however, that carrying the sword around is not the same thing as using it. "Great! You know my words? Use them!" said the Lord. "They are powerful! They are timeless!"

Lord, I've been out there trying to live my life on my own again as though I have some clue as to what I want or what I need. I know neither! I know that you are synonymous with life for me. As soon as I lose track of you, I begin dying all over again. I have no light to shine without you. All I can do is reflect you, and when I'm not doing that I'm cloaked in darkness, evil, and failure.

Lord, I don't do the victim well and I don't do failure well. I was created to shine, and the only way that I can do that is to reflect you. If anything about me is good and alive and spirited and infectious, it's you! The light in my eyes and my carefree dancing around like a fool and my sideways grin and the days when I can do little more than laugh and run and soak up the sunshine-that's all you!

Lord, forgive me for listening to the lies of demons. Forgive me for believing them. Forgive me for ever lacking confidence and peace. Forgive me for all the days I wallow in stress or self pity. Forgive me for all the days when I don't laugh and dance and make music and spread your peace and joy into everyone I come in contact with. Forgive me for allowing my focus to be on me rather than you and everyone who needs to feel your love. Forgive me for concerning myself with what in this world is real besides you. All other things are just shadows.

Forgive me for not praising your name every single moment of the day because I am young and healthy and loved by so many. I can run and jump and leap and dance and shout, and my life is brimming over with blessings and opportunities. I have no right to be anything other than happy as a lark and humbled by your grace.

Teach me, Father, that I have no real problems, and teach me to believe every single one of your promises with my heart rather than my head so that it may be "credited to me as righteousness."

weakness everlasting

2007-04-21T23:25:00.000-07:00

I want to learn how to put on the full armor of God. With it, I will learn how to stand- after everything to stand. I will wear the belt of truth and the helmet of salvation. I will fit my feet with the readiness that comes with the gospel of peace. Also, I will don the breastplace of righteousness and the shield of faith. Sounds like good protection and perfect defenses, doesn't it? However, I only have one weapon. The only weapon I have as a Christian is the Sword of the Spirit: The Word of God! But what else could I need? This was the only weapon Christ ever used against the devil. When tempted by the devil, Jesus simply quoted the words of his father. That's all we ever need to do to tap into the insurmountable power of God. (Ephesians 6:10-18)

Though I wish I were the embodiment of strength, I am nothing but weakness everlasting. For this reason, I thank God that his strength is perfected in my weakness. I doubt and I fear and I worry. I suffer the betrayal of friends. I criticize and I judge. I forgive and I do not remain angry, but I still judge and critize. If anyone in this world seeks to hurt me, I can assure them they will have no trouble. I will trust with the innocence of a child every time. I don't do it because I'm stupid, but because despite everything I can't help but believe that humanity is better than intentionally seeking to hurt others. I don't worry about having my heart ripped out time after time because since I will never fully give it to anyone but God that can't really happen. I can get hurt and bruised and take a real beating out there, but God will attend to my wounds and clean me up. I only have one weapon after all, which is His word. In it, he promises me that I will never be alone and that "the only thing that matters is faith expressing itself through love." (Galatians 5:6)

Despite that, I can't feel sorry for my enemies. I can be kind to them as the Bible instructs me, but I haven't figured out how to pity them. If nothing else, I know I should pity the absence of God in their lives for that must be hell on earth, yet I blame them for choosing the path of greatest destruction to themselves. Why is it that those people who are hardest to love really are the ones most in need of it? God, is it possible for us to love the devil out of them? Or should we stay at a distance and just try to pray it out of them? Or should it be a combination of the two?

I still have not learned that it's not about me. Those who hurt me do so because they have not love. I still have not learned the balance between turning the other cheek, forgiving those who persecute me, and avoiding tossing my pearls to swine. I still have not learned that the only strength that matters to God is giving myself to others in service.

I still have not learned how to separate dignity and foolish pride. I also don't know the difference between false hope and the real thing. I don't know when it's best to let my heart and my gut instincts lead and to silence logic and reason. I don't know when to fight and when to quit. I don't know when to hold on and when to let go. I don't know when to stay and when to go. If everything is going the way it should, will there still be pain associated with the experience? And if so, why? Do our emotions often betray us? Or are they our true north? Caught betwixt emotion and logic, I do not know which should govern.

I know that "there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. There is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak...(Ecclesiastes 3:8). I just wish I didn't feel like God had left it so much in my hands to figure out which time was which.

Even if must live my life continously deprived of that which my heart desires, God, I will yet trust you, follow you; I will always seek you. I pray that this is faith because it is my only understanding of it.

Today I am a prisoner of my pride, but I pray it won't always be this way. Maybe one day I will be strong enough to be ridiculous in full view of the whole world and not give a shit about what they think about my weakness or my stength.

The C Word

2007-04-02T21:49:00.000-07:00

I was watching a random commercial the other day and I had a strange thought. The commercial was for some battle of the sexes games and one of the questions was what are the three C's of ring buying? Somehow or another I got to thinking about all the words that start with C. I'm starting to think all the really important things in life do start with a C.

For instance,

Christ--SAVIOR!!
Cross--best/worst thing ever!
Christian--saved by grace!
Charity --giving of oneself
Conviction --knowing what's right
Commitment --faithfulness
Choices--opportunities
Comfort--great word!
Conversation--i love to talk!
Chuckles--laughing is imperative
Cheerfulness-having a nice life
Charisma--drawing others to you
Conflict--something to occupy you
Competition--makes you better
Compassion-- teaches you to love others
Competence--ability
Compliments--warm fuzzies
Change--reason to get up in the morning
Champion--top dawg!
Challenge--something to strive for
Courage--inner strength
Companions--friends and loved ones
Comrades--buddies
Capability--you can do it!
Craziness--what could be better?
Comedy--everything is so funny
Conscience--guide to help you
Connection--bond with others
Caution--wise decisions
Curves--attraction
Cuddling--too sweet
Chocolate--tastes too good
Caffeine--for sleepy days
Climax--you know
Caring--what we were put here for
Credibility--believable
Concerts--good music
Colas--coke
Cheribum--angels
Chariots--pedestal for mere mortals
Concentration--focus
Coping--making it through
Chilling --relaxing
Chances--risk taking
Careers--something to do
Cars--how to get around
Cats--best animals ever!
Cerveza--okay so I cheated!!
Coast--love to be by the ocean
Chemistry--what relationship gets by without it?
Clothes--make me so happy
Copies--for when you mess up or want to share
Candy--goes without saying
Cupcakes--need i say it?
Cease--cut it out!
Creeps--something to call those who don't know when to cease
cash--makes the world go round
Civility--what makes it possible for us all to live together

alternate ending

2007-03-24T09:58:00.000-07:00

The value of an alternate ending lies in the possibilities. I love a movie that comes with alternate endings. I've never seen one that I preferred to the original ending. Most of the time the alternate endings aren't very well done and some of them aren't even plausible. In fact, I can't think of a single one I've seen that I would have put in the movie in lieu of the original.

However, I still love the alternate endings. There is just something so exciting about thinking that the same story could have ended in a totally different way. I know that when scenes in the movie of my life don't end quite as I would have liked them to, I always come up with an alternate ending. Somehow devising an alternate ending just seems more hopeful, less written in stone, less permanent and finalized.

If I had the power to make my life embody the alternate ending I have imagined, I would most likely would choose not to, but just knowing the possibility was there-- that if some event had played out differently it would have completely changed the ending-- is mystical and exciting to me.

The funny thing about alternate endings is to make the story end differently you have to change something in the middle or the beginning. I find that most often I'm not willing to sacrifice the other parts of the story in order to change the ultimate outcome.

It's not that its possible, but I love the romantic ideal of having a moment with the power to stand alone, not connected to the past or the future. I love the concept that something can be beautiful in and of itself lacking the baggage of the past and the strings of the future.

Unfortunately, just as we have seen from movies like Back to the Future and Deja Vu, it seems inevitable that if we change something in the beginning of the story, the end invariably changes, and most often, not in the way we meant it to. By changing the end of one event, we have tampered with the beginning of another.

It is these circumstances that make me wish that, like the movies, we could watch the alternate endings of the scenes of our lives, without having to replace the original ending. After all, the alternate ending in the movies is an entertaining bonus of the movie that is disconnected from the movie itself, except for carrying over the information needed to give it whatever value it does possess.

seventh grade

2007-03-24T09:45:00.000-07:00

I wish the seventh grade kids I work with weren’t mean to each other.

I wish people realized the influence they have on each other and that the ones that were so influenced knew how little what those people thought of them mattered. For instance, it doesn’t matter what people who are willing to make fun of others think because they are obviously lacking all the qualities of a truly valuable person such as tact, compassion, respect, and education.

I hear these kids calling each other fat and spreading rumors about one another, accusing twins of incestuous relations and it makes me mad. First off because they don’t have the right to make life harder on this earth for one another. Secondly, because kids who can’t write or speak properly and can scarcely spell haven’t earned the right to evaluate the lives of others.

When I was in about eighth grade, a kid at the lockers called me fat and it has taken me a long time to get over a simple comment like that. If I had better understood what motivated him to say something like that when all a comment like that does is serve to make someone else feel bad, I would have said I’m sorry your parents didn’t love you well enough that your happiness comes from the inside rather than your having to obtain it by trying to steal some of mine. However, that would have been a mouthful for an eighth grader!

These kids are going nowhere fast and they haven’t a clue what it will take to be successful in this world nor do they have the skills. I’m trying to explain to them that outside of school no one cares who you can beat up. They let everyone control them because they allow every one around them to anger them and do it easily over the things that are not the marrow of life.

I’ve always known I’ve never wanted to be a teacher because it’s so much like continuously watching car crashes in the making, knowing what’s needed to prevent them, yet being powerless to stop them. All being the Reading Coach has taught me is what I already knew about me….I wasn’t meant to teach.

I think being a good parent is about one of the best contributions you can make to this world. Love your children no matter what, beat them when they are bad, play with them out in the yard, read to them, encourage them, inspire them, teach them something new every chance you get. You are their foundation and their only basis of support. If you don’t teach them that they are beautiful, talented, special, unique, strong, athletic, and smart they will never know it because that’s definitely not the message the world is sending them. People can’t aspire to a potential they don’t believe they have.

From the time I was born, my parents were constantly telling my brother and I that we were beautiful and athletic and smart. They just knew how to show us how well they loved us and to build us up constantly. There was nothing we didn’t try. We played all kinds of sports, we had lots of friends, and we made pretty decent grades. We were then and are now confident, happy, and well adjusted. We are not easily led and we always think for ourselves. My parents always put us first and sacrificed to give us a stable home life and to always make sure we knew we were safe and loved, though the world crashed down around us.

Most of the kids I work with don’t have the advantage of doting parents. Their parents are self seeking and worldly. Some of them are on drugs, many of them don’t spend any time with their kids, a lot of them probably never hear I love you; no one teaches them to be respectful or to work hard and get an education so as to make something out of themselves.

Consequently, these kids are in seventh grade and they can scarcely read or write. Their grammar and pronunciation is so poor that much of the time what they are saying is incomprehensible because they mutter, stutter, and stammer, and I must have them repeat what they are saying several times. However, they know more about drugs, fighting, and sex that I know at twice their age. I suppose all of that makes you cooler in seventh grade but it doesn’t give you any points on a college exam, on a resume, or in a job interview. I guess they know all they will ever need to know to be employee of the month at some minimum wage job or be the best inmate on their cell block, but if they are looking for more than that, they are going to need to stop focusing on what’s wrong with their classmates and get their heads in the books and start thinking for themselves.

I could never be a good teacher because the only thing I would ever try to teach my students is their potential and how to live up to it, as well as how to love and accept one another. I would try to instill in them that it's better to walk through fire than to ever risk unnecessarily wounding another. And I'm pretty sure that I'm not qualified to teach those things.

Today, I'm thankful for my wonderful parents who told us that we possessed qualities we weren't worthy of so that we might rise up and attain them, and I am thankful for the many teachers I've had that kept working hard to fill the vessles of our minds, despite the odds.

estimating assets and liabilities

2007-03-08T18:22:00.000-08:00

I challenge you to overestimate God. You will not be able to do it! For it is impossible; God is limitless--in love, power, forgiveness. His power in our lives is limitless so long as we don't put restrictions and conditions on him.

Our contract with God is an aleatory contract, which means that it is an exchange of unequal values. God gives us peace, power, and love without limits, as well as eternal life; all we give him is our filthy ragged orphan soul. Your soul is orphan before you give it to God because he is its father.

Our contract with God is also a contract of adhesion, meaning that only one party to the contract writes the terms and that's God. You can take it or leave it, but why would you leave it?

God is your only independent asset, with all other things you value in life worth nothing without him. Spend all your time overestimating God in as much as you can so that you can begin to catch a glimpse of all the splendor and majesty that comprises him.

Next, we move on to liability. Don't forget to estimate Satan. Don't underestimate him because he does have power over this world and power over you if you don't guard against him. That makes him a big risk. Identify your loss exposures. In which areas are you most prone to lose ground to Satan? Weigh his power and assess his strengths as your adversary. Then, use your pitiful overstimation of God's power to make Satan a footstool beneath your feet.

I call any overestimation of God's power pitiful. An overstimation of God is an oxymoron, which is the jamming together of two words that have nothing in common. The reason overestimating God is an oxymoron is because we are incapable of understanding all of God's capabilities and qualifications as our righteous King.

repentant heart

2007-03-08T18:08:00.000-08:00

Blessed are those who struggle through this life, painfully standing out. Lord, bleesed are those cannot silence the differences you placed in their souls in order to conform to the dictates of this world. Blessed are those who know the turmoil of a life without you, who recognize what they are going through, and who turn back to the light. Blessed are we who have lived in disobedience to you and who have betrayed you though our actions. For it is we who have felt the your sweet forgiveness and learned the meaning of love unconditional.

Blessed are we who have stood toe to toe with Satan himself and used no strength of our own but rather the power of your name to vanquish him.

The Bible tells us that God would leave all his saints to go in search of one sheep who has gone astray. In fact, while Jesus was on earth, he somewhat neglected the righteous, knowing it was "the sick who needed a doctor"-the sinner who needed him most.

Also, Jesus knew that those who had the most to be forgiven for were the ones most grateful of his love and forgiveness.

The men in the Bible who could almost keep the law, aside from their inherent corruption as members of the human race, reveled in their own goodness while the most filthy of sinners praised Jesus for their salvation, washing his feet with their tears and drying them with the very hairs of their heads.

Because of this, God would prefer a repentant murderer, rapist, or homosexual to a missionary, nun, or preacher who lacks a repentant heart. While true that faith without works is dead and those who love the Lord will do as he has commanded us, you still cannot be good enough to earth the gift he has given us all or bad enough not to deserve it.

You can however be blind enough not to obtain it. Paul said, "of all sinners, I am the worst." Jesus did save Paul. Jesus saves this sinner every day.

I asked the Lord to let the wind blow and I got a tornado

2007-03-08T17:03:00.000-08:00

Pslam 150:1 tells us to Praise him in His sanctuary. His sanctuary is a temple. My body has clearly been called His temple. Therefore, I am to praise Him in my body. Well, that means I will praise Him all the days I'm on the earth, dwelling in my mortal body.

I praise the Lord for granting me the desires of my heart. The Bible tells us the Lord gives us the desires of our hearts, and while I've never figured out if He inspires in us the things we want or He grants us the things our hearts already desire, I'm beginning to think it's a little of both.

I ask for things and believe it will done for me and alas it is. I say to the Lord, "I want this and it may be bad for me, but I still want it, Lord, and I can handle the consequences." However, I say, "even if I never get it that's okay but that doesn't change the fact that I want it." The Lord says, "here it is. Can you handle it?" I say, "yes, for you are still my Lord."

Lord, I'm astounded at how effeciently and exactly you have answered all my petitions.
I caution us all to be careful of what we pray for. The Lord is listening and sometimes he will knock you off your feet with how precise and quickly he moves. Do not hesitate to vocalize the desires of your heart for the Lord knows them anyways, be they good or bad, but be strong enough in your relationship with the Lord and in your focus upon him to handle what he sends.

After all, I asked God for excitement and power and for mystery and elation, and the next thing I knew I had a storm brewing on the horizon. The storm is the embodiment of all these things I asked for, but it is prudent to remember that I have no control over the storm and it has the power to destroy yme. Therefore, make sure that God is always waiting in the wings to quell the storm you begged him to unleash.

depending on the rock, give me rock bottom

2007-02-26T19:01:00.000-08:00

For a second I thought Satan was stupid. I got to thinking if he would just allow us to be happy and at peace in our skin, we would never search for God, but then I realized he's not stupid, he's inept. After all, God designed us, leaving us with one major flaw. We have a huge whole in our composition. It is shaped like God, so Satan can't fill it, try as he might. In our lives, he is like a square peg meant for a round hole. Because of this, none of the pleasures of this world can satisfy our emptiness and longing.

For example, a kidnapper could treat you like royalty and give you all the material things you always desired, but all you would ever want is to return home and be with your family. If Satan has kidnapped your soul, nothing this world has to offer you will be enough to quell your overwhelming homesickness. That means other people, sex, and substances will not soothe you: currency and copulation will not correct you. There is no correlation between being joyful and this world's way.

Lord, every time I've ever hit rock bottom, I've found that you were the rock I was standing upon. Lord, when all is stripped away, you remain and because you do, so do I. And I always rise from my knees stronger than ever. Lord, lift us from rock bottom straight up to Paradise. There is nothing here worth stopping for; you are my home as well as my vacation destination. In you, I've found the love of home for my heart, broken by this world, and rest for my laborious soul, wearied from fighting the daily spiritual battles.

I could pretend to be noble and say I fight the battles for your Glory, but I doubt that would be true. You are steeped in Glory, my Lord! I think I fight to prove I'm yours, and share in the Glory of your Victory. I fight for the Spoils of War. I want your protection, your grace, your peace, your love, your kidness, your forgivness. These things you have promised me, my King, if I would but fight for your side. I feel most days like I contribute to the war effort in as much as a flag bearer would, but I carry it proudly to say, not that my Lord is here, but that I am with Him.

byproducts of god

2007-02-21T15:53:00.000-08:00

A sick person will beat a sane person any day that the sane person engages them in pyschological warfare; the only way to truly win is to quit, knowing that you didn't lose anything because you stood to gain nothing. There are two types of risk: pure and speculative. With pure risk there are only two possible outcomes: loss or no loss. That means that even if you don't lose, you still aren't any better off than you were to begin with. However, with speculative risk, there are three possible outcomes: loss, no loss, or gain. If you are putting everything you are on the line for one thing, make sure you stand to gain.

We have nothing of value to give one another unless we have given what we have to God. He is what makes us valuable. He takes a heart of greed, anger, jealousy, and betrayal and fills it full of love, kidness, patience, fogiveness, and understanding.

Don't give me your valueless heart. Give it to God so you have something of value to give me. What am I looking for? The byproducts of God

discernment from the temple

2007-02-15T13:35:00.000-08:00

Should not the architect that built the beautiful temple that is my body get to rejoice in it? How can God do that if I allow squatters to come in and trash the place and cause property values to plummit?

We are human and fragile and weak and the sons of satan are scavengers prowling the earth and finishing off all of us who are not standing on the promises of God. Therefore, I pray the spirit of discernment in our lives. Ever step we take in which we are not walking in the Lord is a faltering step. I pray that I be immobilized whenever I'm not walking in the Lord.

We sin out of fear. We sin because we don't trust God to deliver on his promises. We think, "I have to do this because I haven't heard anything out of God in awhile and 'what if...'"

I pray for all of us women, Lord. I pray that you put a force fieled of protection around our hearts. Do not let us be pursued by any man whose heart and soul do not belong to you first and foremost. Furthermore, should one begin to pursue, allow us the spirit of discernment to see past his charm into the ugliness of his sin, just as God does, and let us laugh in his face as he dances around in his mask believing we don't know his true identity and that his father is Satan and not you.

suspended from the heights of happiness

2007-01-22T21:31:00.000-08:00

I wanted to update my status online so I put the first thing that came to mind. Where it says Katie is... I put suspended from the heights of happiness. At first, I thought well what does that mean? Then I thought, who cares? It sounds cool. However, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Then all of a sudden I realized that I truly am suspended from the heights of happiness. God has suspended us all from heaven down to earth. We have a direct line from heaven straight to earth through Jesus and the Holy Spirit. We aren't from here. We are aliens here. We are on loan from heaven to earth. We are like coast guards suspended from a helicopter cable who are to reach down into the depths of the turbulent and ferocious oceans and pluck souls out of the grips of death. Our cable will never give way and will always be strong enough to hold us and anyone we are willing to save. So as long as we are hanging around here, stuck between heaven and earth, we might as well steal a few over to the victory side. Christians are all stuck between heaven and earth. No, I don't mean purgatory. I mean "we are in the world but we are not of the world." "We are not to live as the world lives for we are children of God who are dearly loved. What does this mean to me? It means I don't fear the storms that claim the lives of others. My Heavenly Father proved that he could make the waves subside, even in his earthly body. I am suspended from the heights of happiness and the Holy Spirit, which lives in me is the umbilical cord which feeds that happiness through me. I am to love others we the same love which I have been shown and to forgive others with the same forgiveness with which my sins have been blotted out. Is this an easy task? Hell no! Sounds easy on paper, but the devil knows just how to distract you from your mission. It's scary out there. There is wind, waves, rain, hell, sleet, snow, lightning, and a million other hazards and perils out there. Be brave, but never hesitate to send out an S.O.S. to God.

mud and ants on the trail to any place beautiful

2007-01-17T22:00:00.000-08:00

After a good run on a beautiful day, I decided to take a long cool down walk. Amazing discoveries awaited me. I found myself seeing things in places I had been a thousand times and failed to notice. I explored new trails which I had been only by and had never myself traversed. So I found turtles, and wonderful hills overlooking trees, and bridges and water. What did I gain along the way? I got mud on my shoes and ants crawling on my legs. Still, despite the mud and the ants, I wouldn't have missed the things I found.

God is taking care of me despite the mud and the ants along my trail. How do I know? Because a dear man has my name written in his Bible so he can remember to pray for me every now and then. Who knows how many secret guardian angels we all have in the world? Maybe there is always someone out there who is thinking of us and praying strength into our lives when we are no longer strong enough to ask for it. It is probably these miracles that give us the perseverance to trudge through the mud and brush away the ants in order to see all the beauty in the world.

It really is true what Tom Hanks' character says in Apollo 13: "You never know what events are going to transpire to get you home."

There are angels among us.

motivational appearances

2007-01-08T15:30:00.000-08:00

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about motivations and appearances. I think we all tend to do things we know we can get away with. For instance, even if the motivation for our actions isn’t necessarily on the up and up, we don’t concern ourselves with that as long as we can get it to appear harmless. I recognize this as one of my weaknesses. I do this in incredibly small matters—things that even if you knew my motivations you wouldn’t fault me considerably for them. However, you aren’t my judge. God is. Lately, I’ve been thinking that if the motivation isn’t good and pure then it must be negative. If nothing else, it doesn’t originate with God so therefore it must be something worthy of changing. Recognizing this, I need to endeavor to stop doing things for which I question my motivation even for a second. It’s simple really: are you making this change in your life for the attention it will bring you from the outside world? Or are you making this change in order to better yourself and bring yourself closer to God? I want to endeavor to be who I appear to be. I don’t want to be worse than what I appear; I want to be even better than what I appear. I want the things that I do to build others up rather than tear them down. I’d rather be the butt or your joke than make you the butt of mine. Imagine how we could change the world with that attitude. My grandmother personified the sawdust versus plank in your eye parable not along ago with my dad. She told him that her New Year’s resolution was that we should all learn to be nicer to each other. My dad chuckled and said, “yeah and it should start with you.” She said, “well you need to do your part.” You cannot expect of others what you do not do for them. This being the case, I want to be the person that if others emulated me, I would want to hang out with them.

labyrinth

2007-01-07T20:31:00.000-08:00

I went for a walk around campus just the other day to give my legs a rest from running. I hoped as always to find something worthy of writing about. There were beautiful birds, a golf course, a mud puddle called the lagoon, and plenty of traffic pollution. More than that, I discovered the labyrinth for the first time ever. I had seen it a million times but never walked it. It’s like a maze but it is so low to the ground you can remove yourself from it any time you so desire. At any rate, the object is to walk through it and clear your mind and let your heart turn to God in prayer. Personally, I have trouble emptying my mind enough to let my heart talk to God while I feel like an idiot walking through a maze I can easily step out of. However, maybe knowing how practical I am God decided to use this to his advantage. As I walked through my mini maze I couldn’t help but reach down and cast out the debris, including candy wrappers and small tree limbs. As I did this, I began thinking of how this is much like life. There are always little obstacles, small obstructions to our progress. However, just as these things didn’t mean I was on the wrong path in the labyrinth or that I wouldn’t reach my destination, they don’t mean that in real life. Sure, they were a bit of a pain to remove from my path and slowed my progress a bit, but that’s really all they have the power to do. In life, take the time to remove obstacles from your path and do not concern yourself with whether or not you are running the course on par with those around you. We all encounter obstacles of varying magnitudes and at different times in our paths. You might be struggling with something in your that your best friend does not have to deal with. However, that is not to say, that she will not be struggling with something much more severe down the road. Do a good job evaluating and removing your obstacles, and glean from them every good life lesson you can. Then, you will be well equipped to help your friend remove the obstacles from her path when the time comes. I do believe I was put here to help everyone that I can with whatever small wisdom God chooses to impart to me. What greater blessing can you hope to encounter than easing the force of life’s burdens upon another?

failing into the good life

2007-01-07T20:08:00.000-08:00

Don’t do something just because you don’t know what else to do-because you don’t have something better to replace it with. Don’t be trapped by this world’s definition of success. However, if what you want is in accordance with that definition so much the better for you. On the other hand, if you must, fail your way into happiness. Fail by this world’s standards all you like. Just never fail by God’s and you are a success, and if there be naught but nickels in your checking account, you will still be a person of great worth. You will not be famous or highly respected by your peers but you will respect yourself and be highly favored by God. The simple life of the poor man will not guarantee you a spot in heaven, that’s true, but if you work it right and be determined to be worth more than you are valued at by loving God and man with all your heart, wanting no more than you have, then your blood pressure will be as low as your net worth. Do this and you will not be respected by many but you will be truly loved by a few. You will not have a casual passing impact upon dozens but will have a lasting impact upon a few.

woolen sheep eyes

2007-01-07T20:06:00.000-08:00

I need to write; I need to do it always. Three things I need to always do. I need to always run. I need to always write. And I need to always pray. It is these things that make for a sane, healthy life for me. It’s different for everyone I suppose, but somehow, I think prayer should make all our lists. I guess some people need to always draw, play ball, life weights, meditate, take a walk, do yoga, or whatever. Those are things that take care of the side of us that belongs to this earth, but we will never be okay (forget stable) unless we learn to maintain the side of ourselves that does not belong to this earth. The skeptic will tell you that’s all nonsense and that what I’m about to say is coincidence. All I know is that whenever I fail to talk to God, to read his words, to write them again as I understand them, everything in my life falls spectacularly apart. There is no balance and happiness and purity flee the scene like a thief in the night. Walking with God is the only thing in life I always feel good about. It’s the only time I feel like I’m learning and growing, bettering myself and discovering the things I was meant to know. Also, walking with God is the only I find solace and self-esteem. The longer I’m away from Him, the less I like me. Because what I begin to see is His light being replaced by the darkness of this world and its UGLY! Given all this, why do we ever stray and turn away? We do it because the devil is a charmer and a liar, continuously pulling the wool over our eyes. How ironic! We are God’s sheep, yet we allow the devil to pull the wool over our eyes.

little light

2006-12-10T11:11:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in this thing since I started working. It's crazy how work drains you and makes you somewhat empty, like a shell of a person. It's important to fight against that. We have a tendency it seems to work our 40 hour a week job and during a time off we just want to eat, sleep, and watch tv. We need to fight against that with everything we have. I think God meant us to be so much more. He meant us to think, strive for more, pray, read, run, do things to make the lives of others better. I never used to understand why work made people so tired, but now I do. An 8 hour day really is forever and we tend to leave the best of ourselves there. But I still think it important to rise above that in as much as is possible. Try every day to (number one) spend some time with God, which will help with this next thing. Try every day to learn something knew, try hard to accomplish something or experience something new. Do something that will enrich you as a human being. Do something that will delve below the surface layer of humanity. Draw, write, read, walk; go find nature, go find yourself....GO FIND GOD! Sure he can be at work andyou will see more of him based upon your attitude and daily behavior toward others, but work is the place where you put into practice the things you learn about God when you aren't there. SO if you aren't learning about God and you aren't learning about yourself when you aren't at work there really just isn't anything for you to contribute to others when you are there.

At the end of each exhausting day, recharge your batteries by seeking God. Most of all, ask yourself what you took from God to give to others. Being a Christian is a give and take relationship, it is taking from God all that he is offering and spreading it as thickly as you can over as many people as you can. Learn to laugh and dance through life and teach others the steps.

I'm seeking a peace and a solitude that only comes through God. No earthly being: family, friend, or foe can help me with that. My great desire is to truly live and I want to laugh and I want to dance and I want to be silly about everything because life is an invaluable nonrenewable resource. With this being the case, I take one job seriously, and it is not the one I spend 8 hours a day five days a week at. It is the job of spreading God's light. I'm his little candle. So "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine."

an experience worth the trip

2006-10-12T15:47:00.000-07:00

Faith is not about getting what i want. Faith is about not needing to. It's not needing to have what i want to be happy. It's about not needing my world to be full always of what's happy and bright to trust God. Faith is about trusting God when the path looks bleak and dark and goes on into a dark forest. Faith is knowing that come spiders, bears, snakes, rats, tarantaulas, or any other thing, that you will be taken care of. You will overcome because God overcame the world for you. It's big bad and ugly and it can knock you around but it cannot beat you. It's like a bully that rages on because he doesn't know that you will soon hit a growth spurt. I take that back. The world is full of the devil and the devil is a bully who doesn't know your big brother (your Holy Father).

"You don't have to see the whole staircase to take the next step when you have faith."
"Faith is knowing either that when you step into the darkness there will be something solid to stand on or that you will be taught how to fly."

Some days it's enough to say, I'm not graceful and my walk with you may not be pretty, Lord, but I'm still following you. I'm still hanging in there.

Your life with the Lord is a journey. He didn't promise you it would be easy and that there would be nothing to fear. He did, I think, promise adventure, excitement, things to see, places to go, and an experience worth the trip.

~Make your life a walk of faith and find an experience forever worth the trip.

eye spit

2006-10-05T20:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went running and got a bug in my eye. I thought, "well that sucks," especially since he stayed in there for twelve hours. Today I went running and my dad helped me gain perspective on it. He was like I guess that messed up his day; he drowned in eye spit. I started thinking about it. Say you are a nat just flying along and then all the sudden you end up in a giant pool of water, sweat, etc and you are getting smashed around by a giant stick (my finger). It may not have been the most fun for me, but I'm the one who is still alive. Today you may get a nat in your eye, but just remember to thank God for such a blessing. After all, today you aren't the nat.

footstool of blessings

2006-10-04T21:00:00.000-07:00

One thing I believe: I should only fight the Good Fight. The Good Fight is the struggle to be the Christians we were created to be. All other fights are unncessary and pointless and expend valuable energy with which we might be doing something far more productive to further God's Kingdom. Fight the Good Fight; Finish the Race; Keep the Faith! You should get up every day and fight not with other people, fight not to succeed, fight not to make money. Fight to Keep the Faith. We all know Lot was in the business of keeping the faith-no matter what. He wasn't graceful about it, but he kept the faith. We can all do that much. Yeah, let the world take everything from you, and put up the fight to keep nothing but the faith and then it will all be made a footstool under your feet, as the blessings rain down on you.

I Yell at God!

2006-10-03T21:27:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend of mine and he made me realize I like to yell at God. I really do. Sometimes, I am too angry at him to talk to him, or do what I call praying. So rather than giving God the silent treatment I just yell at him. I mean why not? So you might be thinking how dare you! The unfortunate events of your life are not God's fault because you probably choose poorly in life or lacked faith with which to move mountains as well as molehills. All of this is most certainly true. However, whether we admit it or not we all get frustrated deep down to our very souls and cores, and even feel empty inside. When I despair to that point and possess that much grief, I have to yell at God, especially since I know he has the power to transform my situation effortlessly if only he would. God wants us to love him enough to get angry with him just as we would our earthly fathers. After all, no one whom you do not love can truly make you angry. God knows what you are thinking and feeling anyways, so there are no extra strikes against you just for vocalizing the emotion. God knows what you are going through but he can't help you unless you ask him too, and he never said we can't ask in a loud and impatient voice. He just said ask and knock. By the way, he also didn't say we couldn't knock the door down. If the only way you can get through the door is with a sledge hammer, I vote you pound on through. You may think it perfectly fine to let off a little steam on your fellow man, yelling at him relentlessly, but more like taboo to yell at God. But consider this: A mortal man is more likely to be impacted by what you say, whereas God will be unharmed by it. Furthermore, God cares far more, is listening with unconditionally loving ears, and has the power to change your world for the better. The man you yell at doesn't care what is making you yell at him, isn't listening because he is thinking of the atrocious things he is about to yell back, and most likely has no power to change your world for the better. So I think it way more productive to yell at God.

I've been so downtrodden at times that I don't even know what to pray. That is to say I don't know what it is I want to transpire in my life. So i yell out to God. I don't know what to ask for! But here I am! I am still here, trusting you to do what is best for me. So do it already, even if it hurts! Just rip off the band aid already. The betwixt and between is killing me. Make me a tool. Make me your brand new Lot! Just make me yours! Mold my spirit to yours. Bend me till I break if you have to so that I will be your creation. I know it's the only way that I will be happy.

Don't wait to get on the happy drugs

2006-09-07T17:05:00.000-07:00

I met this wonderful and very friendly girl the other day. She was intelligent, outgoing, and seemingly well adjusted. She was giving me some advice on how to survive my first year of law school since she had already jumped that hurdle. I do not wish to diminish her counsel, but what I remember most about our conversation is her telling me, "Don't wait to get on the happy drugs." She was of course referring to things like Paxil, Prozac, etc. At any rate, that sentence ran through my mind intermittently throughout the rest of the day. "Don't wait to get on the happy drugs."
Given the rigors of law school after only three weeks, this was starting to sound like a good idea. I don't think I'm going to wait to get on the happy drugs. Prozac and paxil aren't my happy drugs. My God in heaven and his son Jesus Christ, my savior, are my happy drugs. So when I'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed, all I have to do is take my happy drugs. I have a lifetime prescription. Are they expensive? Some may think so. They cost me my soul. Personally, I think it's an excellent trade off. I receive a lifetime supply of happiness in exchange for my battered, tarnished, ruined, broken and empty soul. Not only that, but like any great product, it comes with free gifts. It's way more than I paid for! I get eternal life, unconditional love, mercy, grace, peace, and an everpresent help in time of need. There is no better package deal on the market than that! You better hurry! This is a limited offer, expiring with your mortal body.

Lord, teach me to dance

2006-08-29T20:04:00.000-07:00

Lord, teach me to dance when the only music in the world has to come from my own soul. Teach me to be a joyful noise when no other can be found. Teach me to have a melody and a song in my heart even before I can find the lyrics to the soundtrack of my life. Teach me to hum along gleefully even when the words are slow to come.

Teach me above all that no matter my struggle or my circumstance that negativity never creates a song. Therefore, it should never become the tune of our lives because we were meant to dance.

"You came that we may have life and have it more abundantly."

When I can do no other, I am "standing on the promises of God."

Today Stands Alone

2006-08-20T11:57:00.000-07:00

Lord, teach me to let each day stand alone. Let me have a spirit that is free, allowing you to "nourish and renew" me day by day. Teach me to evaluate my days in terms of 24 hrs only. It's either this day was good or this day I could have done more with. I could have chosen to be happier, I could have been friendlier, kinder, and gentler. I could have reflected you more. However, the important thing to remember is that you always forgive us for "the ways in which we fall short of your glory" and all we must to do please you is to live the subsequent days as a brand new start, another opportunity to bring something good into this world, a little piece of you as it is worked through us. But whatever happens in my days, Lord, do not allow me to think this day was only okay because it was better than yesterday or not as bad as tomorrow will probably be.
I know my purpose here is to "love you with all my heart, soul, and mind and to love my neighbor as my self." I confess that I do not know your specific purpose for my life, but I think it is important not to search so longingly for it that we fail to enjoy what is good beneath the heavens, always reflecting your light in our lives and showing heaven to our fellow man in as much as we understand it.
As Christians, we were not meant for lives characterized by worry or regret. We are here to make our Father proud, and that task is so easy. Only with God is your effort more important than the results so get up every day and fight. Fight to be the best version of yourself you can be. Make it your goal each night to rest your head on your pillow and say, "Today I did the best I could with what I had to work with. Tomorrow I might be better or I might be worse but nothing will diminish today...for it was good. It stands alone, except for what part God allowed me to play in it.
God allows you to contribute to his projects anyway in which you choose. You can bring your paralyzing worry and regret, which makes you believe you have nothing good to offer your Father in his work, or you bring your love and your joy and "cover over a multitude of sins." What you have to offer today is not based on your yesterday or your tomorrow. Let today stand alone. You will be amazed with what God can do with a single day that you do not pollute with negativity.
Most of all, do not afraid to enjoy today for fear of what tomorrow will bring. Tomorrow will not get worse because you enjoyed today, but you might find that your spirit has more strength with which to fight.

road of life under construction

2006-08-04T22:28:00.000-07:00

the road of my life is totally under construction. i was on my way to graduate this morning and the road leading me there was being worked on. the going was slow and there was nothing but a mess everywhere i looked. its as though following graduation nothing in my life will be certain. i'm struggling right now. i'm trying to hard to feel led by God right now but i just don't know what he wants for my life. i'm not totally in the dark. i know i was created to serve him and to love others with all that i am. i guess i just don't know what i'm meant to do in a more specific sense. Lord, teach me to find peace, solace, and stability when i can't see your path for my life laid out before me. teach me to be patient and have faith strong enough to know that you will provide me with a way to stand up under any burden that i face, that you will light my path in order to see what you want me to, and that it's impossible for me to get off track far enough to do damage you can't repair. Lord, "teach me to walk by faith when i cannot see [and] to stay right here in the light" (Jeremy Camp, Stay) Truth: the road of my life is taking me slowly along and its seems to be nothing more than a mess. Greater truth: God is getting me right where I need to be a little everyday. God can navigate the broken road. there's grace along the way; God's grace is always sufficient.

don't beat dirt; swim upstream

2006-07-20T18:55:00.000-07:00

I was standing outside trying to beat the dirt out of my car mats. I was hitting the things as hard as I could against a tree. I did it time and again, but no matter how many times I did it dirt continued to fall onto the leaves below. This is my life. I cannot clean it up on my own. I will try time and again to be good enough out of my own will and volition. I will always fail. Just like these mats, the dirt in my life doesn't show. However, God and I both know its there. The only way I know how to live well enough to be deserving of the purpose for which God has called me is to life a life in which I let the Holy Spirit dominate me. Do not mistake me, I am not talking about salvation. We will never earn our salvation or be good enough to deserve it. That is a gift for which there is not enough thanks and one in which we cannot pay back its value. Still, God's will shall direct my life. The only way to be clean is to allow God to bathe you in his blood. In most cases, the easiest way to know if it's your way or God's way is generally by how difficult it is and what you feel like after the mission is completed. If you do it your way, it will be easy and make you happy at the time, but many times you will feel unsatisfied, empty, or even guilty afterwards. But, if you do it God's way, you feel like you are swimming upstream. Why? Because you are! God's way has nothing to do with the ways of the world. The Bible reminds us time and again that we are aliens here. This is not your home. It is no wonder that you feel different than other people and why sometimes you have a longing you cannot explain. You are homesick. When you are struggling and feeling alone, remember that God is always with you and has promised to never leave you. You can fail him, we will all fail him, but he always forgives us, and takes us up lovingly into his arms and cares for us whenever we call out to him. All the hairs of our heads are numbered. This detail from the Bible lets you know the depth of God's love for you and that he cares about every single minute detail of your life. The Bible also tells us that he cares for the birds of the air, providing for all of their needs and that we are worth infinitely more than this to him. Thus, the hymn His Eye Is on The Sparrow.
My favorite book of the Bible has always been Psalms. Whenever I distance myself from God for whatever reason...stress, work, apathy, etc. Psalms is where I always seem to rediscover him. Psalms is simply people calling out to God, who are filled with pain, anguish, revenge, anger. I can identify with this. They plead with God to destroy their enemies and come to their aid. They are screaming, Lord, Lord, help me, save me. They don't clean up their emotions, and they don't attempt to hide anything from God. They come to him in their raw humanity. That is all God wants from us. You can talk to him when you are angry, depressed or scared. He doesn't hold any of this against you. Give God your dirty mat filled with dirt (your heart). He will beat it all out, and restore everything to perfect working order in your life. Life is a fight and a struggle. There is no denying this. We are souls not from here controlled by a body that is. This a total paradox, so living gets tough from time to time. Laugh Scream, Shout, or Cry out God's name in all your wretched emotion, but never cease to call out to him. God knows your heart anyways. He's knows if it is black with dirty thoughts and emotions, but he can't help you with that if you don't ask. Stop banging your heart against the tree. Remeber this: man cares about what you appear to be, how things look on the outside. God does not care what it looks like, but what it is. Don't wait until you can put your best foot forward to talk to God. Come to him dirty and broken and let him teach you how to put your best foot forward. Be like the little girl whose grandfather discovered her reverently reciting the alphabet. When asked what she was doing, she said I don't know what to pray tonight so I'm just saying all the letters. God knows what order they go in.

god spoke to me

2006-07-11T21:10:00.000-07:00

All day I've been railing against what God wants me to do. This is typical of me. Today, however, I have been particularly consistent in my complaints. As a result, God spoke to me. Although, audibly, he used another's voice. It all happened quite unexpectedly but I know it was said for me. If said a second sooner or later I never would have heard it. If said any other day I would have never applied it to my life. In God's glory, he gave it to me at just the right time in the right situation. Despite the simplicity of this one phrase, it was said with such passionate emotion which I can only characterize as despair. "I don't have the education to get an easier job."

take me sailing, father

2006-07-10T20:43:00.000-07:00

I have an analogy. I was cleaning my father's sailboat so we could go sailing like I wanted to do. I get my soap and I scrub and scrub with all different kinds of brushes and sponges. At the onset, my father had told me just what to use. I worked for a couple hours on the boat using everything except what he assured me would work best. Later, my father comes to check my progress and I say I just can't get it right. This is the best I can do. He just kinda laughs and picks up the scrubby pad he had recommended I use to start with and simply rubs away spots that I had scrubbed at repeatedly with no success. In the analogy, my father is God and the sailboat is my life. The scrubby pad, of course, is the Bible which is the way he has told me how to do it. The situation is the same; I still do things every which a way except for the way in which God has assured me is the tried and true method to get to the things I want, like going sailing. In other words, your Heavenly Father wants what is best for you. He wants to take you sailing right through life, and he knows how best to get there. He is content to let you have your independence and do it your own way, but you can save yourself a lot of work and do a better job if you will just follow his guidelines.

doors and windows

2006-06-22T11:43:00.000-07:00

The hardest thing for me to learn is doors and windows. In God's good pleasure he shuts some and opens others. My deal is that I am all the time trying to pry the closed doors back open. What happens then is that I get them slammed in my face. The pattern goes something like this. God gently shuts a door and gestures toward a more appropriate direction. I then say but God I really like what's behind that door. So I open it again. God puts a padlock on it, but I won't stay away from it. Eventually God puts a wall up around the door all together. Guess what I do? I certainly don't do the easy thing. I refuse to just walk around the wall. I either try to dig a route beneath it or I try to scale the thing, but if all else fails I just stand there and bang my head up against the damned thing. Only when the pain outweighs my desire for the thing I am trying so desperately to keep (which God has known all along wasn't in my best interest) do I relinquish it in favor of God's original and perfect plan for my life. All I do is waste time and energy and get hurt when I try to be the pilot of my own life. Life is so much less complex than we realize. If you have prayed diligently about something and it is still going the same way, regardless of the fact that its the opposite of what you wanted, things are still going just as God intended them. It's better a little pain now than a lot later. Contrary to popular belief, if you are seeking God's will for your life, the easy way out is the right way out. "Sometimes walking away from something isn't only the easiest thing to do; it's the right thing to do." As a Chinese kid in my class said of Jackie Chan doing his own stunts "Nobody knows how many hurts there are on his body." Do yourself a favor: stop trying to do stunts that will get you through that door. In other words, if you are not getting a signal, this is not the time to go chase down an antenna.

i'm losing the battle but god has won the war

2006-06-16T18:08:00.000-07:00

The saddest thing in the world is one of God's warriors going into battle and getting totally beaten and bloodied because they went into battle unprepared--they didn't take their weapons--the sword and the shield (Jesus Christ)! I've seen it too many times, with myself included. It seems sometimes that we are repeatedly getting knocked down by life. At times like this it seems that all the bad and negative feelings feed on themselves. All your thoughts become negative. This is when you know you have lost the joy, peace, and love that God meant for his children to have. There is no getting back to the good on your own. At every turn and with every good thing you attempt to do and every good frame of mine you will try to get yourself into will only be met by more obstacles and hurdles. Nothing will work, except turning back to God. There is no answer except prayer. You have to ask God to reclaim your heart and give you the joy back. We are slaves to anything which has mastered us. The only way you can be happy in slavery is if God is your master. If God is your master, your only burden is being faithful to Him and doing your best to serve him. Serving him will only enrich your life and give you peace and joy. God doesn't expect us to live perfect lives. In fact, he knows we can't do all he asks of us, and we should not beat ourselves up for falling short of God's glory. The only thing that matters to God is that we keep fighting to be the people he wants us to be. We have to continually choose to turn from darkness to light. After all, our fight is not against flesh and blood but against the spirits of darkness. More than flawless lives of righteousness,God wants that we live lives characterized by love. Love needs to be the dominant characteristic of our lives. We were meant to be salt and light to all around us, so that they can thirst for Christ and see his glory reflected through us. It doesn't matter what our jobs are or what or what level of success we reach by this world's standards. All that matters is that we love God and that we love those we come into contact with as brothers and sisters in Christ and constantly strive to act in love toward everyone. It is so beneficial to put your focus on God and others. When you do this, you take the focus off your life and what is wrong with it. All you think about is how you can be of service and since there are so many ways you can help others you will always find yourselves fulfilled rather than lacking. Remember that even though your are losing the battles, all you have to do is make sure you remain forever a member of God's army. He has won the war! In order, to attain the spoils, you must be on the victor's side. The individual battles are of no consequence, just remember which side you are on. Also, remember that if you find yourself in a negative frame of mind, it's because your side is losing the battles, and the only reason you are losing is because you have gone into battle without your weapon, Jesus Christ first and foremost, then prayer, then the Bible. Run to your stronghold and get nourished and renewed. Then get back into battle. You're sure to win this one!

camper

2006-05-31T18:51:00.000-07:00

I am a seasoned camper. Look at my talents: drove out to the campground for a weekend beach trip with my buddy Jen. Stepped out of the car and instantaneously begun getting bitten by bugs, woke up the next morning and peed next to a snake, got burnt on the beach wearing spf 30, got lost on the beach taking a walk and was gone two hours, injured my foot running to look for my friends, thought my flashlight strap was a bug, walked in two a spider web that I couldn't get off me, got bitten by ants every time I sat down. I went outside to rediscover nature and discovered that the men who made ac, box fans, bug spray, indoor plumbing, toilet paper, etc are too best!! I still think there was something novel about sleeping three nights outside and for some strange reason i think i could be talked into going again.

Heaven Knows

2006-05-10T20:41:00.000-07:00

Oleander Lyrics:

Only heaven knows
Only heaven shows the way
Back to everything you know and love
Only heaven knows
Only heaven shows the way
Back to everything you know and love
Everything you know and love
Everything you know and love
Back to everything you know
All of this time
It's been benign

shimmer

2006-05-02T22:13:00.000-07:00

What have I learned today? Sometimes its both too late and too early to do everything you want to do. The worst thing in the world is not being tired, not having anything to do, nor anywhere to go and not being able to make any noise about it. It's too early to sleep, it's too late to run, too late to play with any of my friends and too late to make any noise.

Random Song Lyrics:

Time I cannot change so here's to looking back
you know I drink a whole bottle of my pride
and I toast to change
to keep these demons off my back
just keep these demons off my back
cause I want to shimmer, I want to shine
I want to radiate
I want to live, I want to love
I want to try to learn now not to hate
try not to hate
we're born to shimmer
we're born to shine
we're born to live, we're born to love
we're born to never hate

hard rule

2006-04-30T19:16:00.000-07:00

Salvation=simplicity. Living the life of a Christian=impossibility without the grace of God. To stay close to Him and to remain in his will for your life means to be convicted of everything, whether it is listed in the ten commandments or not. The Bible says that all things not motivated by faith are sin. That's a hard rule.
However, I thank God for the problems that I have as well as the ones I do not have. I have problems like Lord, make me strong enough to live the life you have planned for me. Help to me to be faithful enough to trust you. Help me to know that there is no place I will tread and no decision I will make where you will not be there for me, and even more so, if it is the decision motivated by you. Forgive for me being disobedient due to my lack of my faith and my own human desires. Teach me that anything which makes me worldly and causes me to focus on you less than I ought to is wrong for me.
I thank you Lord that all I struggle with is my convictions versus my desires and that I do not have a problem with drugs or alchohol, that I am doing well in school, that I do not suffer from depression, that I have had a loving and stable family life. That I have been provided with all creature comforts. I thank you Lord that I as far back as I can remember you have always been a part of my life.

running looks good

2006-04-29T22:21:00.000-07:00

Today a woman taught me that sometimes running looks good and that I should always dance, regardless of what other people think. She also taught me to make sure that I never stay with anyone because they really love me when I don't feel the same about them, but this works both ways. Don't stay with anyone that you are crazy about if you know they don't feel the same about you. I also learned that the one who makes the best date, doesn't always make the best husband. A good husband is loyal, dependable, hard working, trustworthy. He's a rock or he's a puppy. He may not be smooth or romantic but he will take care of you and love you.

art exhibition

2006-04-28T21:37:00.000-07:00

I don't always know where I'm supposed to be, but it always seems as though God has me exactly where he wants me. It's as though he uses those around us to tell us the things he wants us to know. Tonight, he used a German classmate of mine to tell me that I have depth and its okay to be close to my parents, yet break away for self-absorbed reasons of my own. It's okay to enjoy final days even though they don't last. He used a political science, model/actor classmate of mine to show me that it's okay to love and to hurt and to leave your heart out there to do it all over again. He used a couple of really good friends to show me he's thinking about me, that he cares, and that I'm not alone. God uses the people who come into our lives as instruments to help us. Sometimes, it's that listening ear at just the right time, sometimes it's a well placed hug, and sometimes it's a phone call, saying, "hey, come play with us." that seem to make sense when nothing else does. It's crazy how a random jaunt through a golf course in the middle of the night, when that night and a few subsequent days belong to you, can lead to a chapel where the doors aren't locked. A cross on the ceiling can show you that everything is just as it should be. It's not that the circumstances of your life are any more clear or that you have figured out the direction you should take. It's that you have peace and can run around confidently in circles like a chicken with your head cut off laughing hysterically because you aren't the one driving anyways. I guess I'm saying Jesus took the wheel, and I ended up in my father's house singing praises to his name, knowing that in that moment there was no place else I should be. Funny how God began this night with an art exhibition and showed me beauty all night long.

Woodpecker

2006-04-25T00:10:00.000-07:00

God created a bird that can put holes in trees with its face. It seems to me he has the power to do anythinng and everything, however big, however small. He does all things in his good pleasure. Why not let him have his way with your life? After all, if he expects you to bore through wood, he will equip you with the proper tools with which to do so.

fun with mr pibb

2006-04-21T12:35:00.000-07:00

Not having Latin American politics today, I slept in. I thought this would be a great morning for this reason. Nope! I jumped in the shower and had to leave before I was ready to give a classmate her book back. Then I was burning up hot all morning. I rounded up enough change to get a diet coke. I pushed the button for diet coke and a mr. pibb fell out. I think to myself that sucks. I dropped in on the floor and it exploded. Then I thought well, some days are just better than others. I was just real freaking happy not to be wearing any mr. pibb. I came home for lunch and ended up wearing some of my soup. At this point, I just started laughing. Even when things are bad, its all really funny. I like to think of God having a sense of humor. I say it sucks about the mr. pibb then God is like oh really? Check this out. Explosion! No more mr. pibb problem. Now that is humor!!!

More than Conquerors

2006-04-04T10:48:00.000-07:00

We are more than conquerors. Christ the Lord overcame the world before time began (it just doesn't know it yet). Satan knows this truth, but why would he admit it? The God of peace will soon bring Satan under your feet. If you aren't already on God's team, you might want to switch sides before the victor collects the spoils of war, and the insurgents are put on trial to receive their just punishment. There are no neutrals; all parties are brought into this war of the spirits. Take up defenses with the Lord or forfeit your soul to the loser. The battle goes not to the world's strong, but to God's weak for He gives them strength when they need it.

Strength To Stand

2006-04-04T10:39:00.000-07:00

His strength is perfected in our weakness. I went to a retreat once called the Strength to Stand Conference. They gave us a small white flag, representing surrender. Jesus, is your strength to stand. If you want to be strong, be strong enough to let go and let God. When you pray, give it all up. Release the pain, suffering, sorrow, worry, fear, etc. Once you've prayed about it, let God carry your burdens. They will do nothing but tear you down. To give them to God is to edify Him and yourself. His grace will be sufficient for you and you will not be tempted beyond what you can bear. God will always provide you a way out so that you may be able to stand up under it.

"Walking in the Lord"

I'm gonna do my walking in the Lord
I'm gonna do my singing in the Lord
I'm gonna do my dancing in the Lord
I'm gonna do my running in the Lord

Chorus:
walking in the Lord
singing in the Lord
dancing in the Lord
running in the Lord

I'll walk by faith when I cannot see
I'll sing praises to his name
I'll dance for his pleasure
I'll run to his stronghold

I'm gonnna do my falling in the Lord
I'm gonna do my standing in the Lord
I'm gonna do my waiting in the Lord
I'm gonna do my willing in the Lord

Chorus:
falling in the Lord
standing in the Lord
waiting in the Lord
willing in the Lord

I'll fall to my knees when I am weak
and there I'll find strength to stand.
I'll find his time to be the right time.
I'll make his will my own

I'll do these things...

Chorus:
Cause walking in the Lord
Gives me peace
Gives me joy
It gives me strength to stand.
(Repeat)

Borrowing a Sunset

2006-03-31T22:59:00.000-08:00

Driving home this evening, I saw a beautiful sunset. I began thinking how things in our lives are like sunsets. Just because something is beautiful doesn't mean that you can keep it or that it will stay. You can see and enjoy these things but you can't capture them. Its just the way you can't capture the true essence of a sunset with a camera. Still, the sunset's value is not diminished. We only become dissatisfied when we attempt to hold onto the beauty in this life that was never meant to stay. Never plan to keep the beauty. Just borrow it for awhile.

I'm God's Puppy

2006-03-30T11:17:00.000-08:00

I saw a girl walking her pretty golden lab puppy earlier today. The puppy was excited and wanted to stop and look at everything and experience it all. A little tug on his leash and he was off and running again following behind his master. It seems that we are like this with God. We often get distracted by things along our path that delay us or take us off course. Then, God gives us a little tug to get us refocused on the things that are important. There will be many things you will want to devote your time to that are neither productive nor constructive. Endeavor to keep following behind your master and do not let your excitement of the things of this world delay you or cause you to run ahead of your master who is in heaven. Follow behind him dilligently. Trust that he will let you stop and "sniff" the things that are better than anything you could find on your own. When you experience God's tug on your leash, even if it is a little painful at times, just realize that he is going come on, I've got better things to show you.

Seasons

2006-03-30T11:05:00.000-08:00

Ecclesiates 3:1-8 tells us that there is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven:... There is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gether them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away...
This means that there is a season for our relationships. No person will be in your life throughout its entirety. You will lose your grandparents probably before you leave college, and you will lose your parents before you become a grandparent. Your friends and boyfriends will come and go. The point is to recognize that those who are a part of your life were only intended to be there for a season. Be not suprised nor dicouraged when that season ends. Rejoice in the experience and in what you learned about life and yourself. Think of how the season has enriched your life and recall fondly the portion of your journey you took with the other person.
Never let fear of the season's end deny you of the season. Know that the season will end and accept it. Enjoy all the seasons that God has blessed you with. After all, a life filled with happy seasons is a happy life. We don't rail against the changing of winter into spring and neither should we fight the changing of life's seasons. Instead, we should await the coming season with hope and excitement rather than fear and anxiety. God is faithful throughout all our seasons and is the only one we can have a relatonship with that never comes to an end.

Patience

2006-03-23T17:08:00.000-08:00

Patience is a virtue. It requires us to give up the one thing that we seem to have the least of and desire the most of and the thing we have no way of getting back once it has been lost: time. I find that I struggle to have patience. I know that my time on earth is but a breath, so I desire to use my time here as well as I can. Therefore, when I am waiting on other people or even God, I, at times, feel like I am wasting my non-renewable resource of time. What I need to remind myself when I feel the sand slipping through the hour glass is that for me and all Christians time is endless. If I truly have faith that upon leaving this world I go to one eternal then there is no such thing as time. I also need to remember that when I feel I am wasting "my" time that it doesn't belong to me at all. Once you acknowledge Jesus as your savior, your time is his time. What we all fail to recognize as Christians is that our time on this earth only has value in as much as it reflects Jesus Christ
To truly show Christ's love to others, put in the time. Do something that someone else wants you to do, something to benefit them or enrich their life in some way in lieu of what your natural tendency inclines you toward. However, do it without saying, "well, I am doing this for you but really I want to be....." No, you must do it whole heartedly and not begrudingly or resentfully. Not easy is it? This is why it's a virtue. You can do this on your own. This has to be done with the power of the Holy Spirit (God's presence in your life).

Desires of My Heart

2006-03-23T16:56:00.000-08:00

God gives you the desires of your heart. Does this mean he gives you the things that your heart desires or he creates the desires in your heart? My heart is in one city and my body in another. If God has given me this desire I should be there, right?
I don't have the answers to these questions. I feel I could lose everything and live in a shack, being content, happy, and blessed so long as I didn't forget who my Lord is or who by consequence that makes me. I believe I could make it alone without being bitter or unhappy. God is in the business of healing broken hearts. He's healed one before I'm sure of. The only heart he can't heal is the one broken by denial of him.
I can't shake the belief that I would be happier without all of the things of this world with God as my captain than have all of them with myself as my captain. After all, alone I am never lonely. How could I be when I read the truth and talk to the One who wrote it?
Lord, there is your way and the highway and I've been out on that lonely road too long to want to keep traveling it. Show me the way home-the one that leads to life. I want to be yours more than I want to be any other thing. So whatever else is going on, that is the primary desire of my heart.

God Owns the Details Too

2006-02-19T16:28:00.000-08:00

It seems as though people don't come to God because by and large Christians don't seem any happier than anyone else. They figure they will have to follow a lot of rules and will gain nothing. After all, life for Christians appears as hard and bad and miserable as what they are living. Christians trust God with their souls and have full confidence about where they will spend eternity. However, they often fail to trust God in the every day details of their lives and they fail to find the strength to steal their lives out of Satan's clutches. I hope to not fear to live my happiness out loud. I want the world to know that I am saved and blessed beyond belief, all the while deserving none of it. When things are good, we often wait for the other shoe to drop, almost holding our breath, afraid to be too happy for fear that happiness is a fleeting thing. However, life is so short that it does not matter whether or not the happiness lasts. In the end, all that will matter is that you drank it all in, just as it was given to you, and that you loved and you laughed and you played and you feared not the coming hours, knowing that this hour is all that you are guaranteed. To live this moment well is to have accomplished more than the all the most learned figures of history combined have ever done.

Where I Tread

2005-12-08T14:30:00.000-08:00

Lately, we have been studying the Holy Spirit on Wednesday nights at church. The pastor always asks us to give examples of how the Holy Spirit has been working in our lives. Well, it goes a little something like this. He has given me blessings upon blessings. He has acted as a spirit of healing. My French professor recently had open heart surgery and we put him on the prayer list at my church and he was there this Sunday for the first time, looking as well as I have ever seen him. I could not hide my sheer joy and excitement, yet found no need to. Aside from that, the Holy Spirit has acted as my spirit of protection. I recently had oral surgery to have an abcessed tooth extracted and a bone graft put in since I had bone loss, given that the problem had gone on for about ten months. I was completely unaware of it because I had no pain associated with it but it turns out that it was a major problem. In the middle of papers and final exams is when this problem decided to reach its peak, yet I didn't miss a single deadline and made A's on all my finals. However, I left school headed for home late one Sunday night because I was to have my stitches out the next morning. The drive is two and a half hours long. It began to rain just as I got in the car. To make a long story, shorter, I ended up hydroplaning, fish tailing, and then spinning around all over the road and into the median. I was not hurt in the least nor did I lose my composure. I simply drove back on the road. I realized that I had a flat tire so I made it to a nearby rest stop. I got out in the rain and changed my tire. I was exhausted and soaked from head to foot by the time it was over, but I managed it and with no help from anyone but God. I drove 50 mph all the way home on my doughnut. It took me four hours to get home from the time I left and I made it by 3:30 am.
This is the work of the Holy Spirit because it couldn't have been a worse event from which nothing bad came of it. First off, if it hadn't been so late at night, there would have been other cars all around for me to hit as I spun. Also, there was nothing out there for me to hit--no guardrails, no signs, no drainage ditches, nothing. It was just grass. Also, I knew how to change a tire since I had done it before when I had two flat tires simultaneously about six months prior. At that time, I had my good friend there to help me figure it all out and get me back home again. Funny how that seemingly awful event ended up being a great blessing to me. This is a great example of the reason why we should thank God at all times and for all things in all situations. "All things work for the good of those who love Him." If it hadn't been for that, I would have entirely flipped out . Not only that, but there was the rest stop which was a great place to change my tire. Furthermore, I had a change of clothes in my car and a place to change out of my soaking wet clothes. I firmly believe that nothing happens to us of any great significance without it being the will of God. We are constantly and consistently under his protection. In other words, I don't think God "accidentally" lets us die or become paralyzed or any such thing. I think all things of significance, all life altering events, are a part of His plan for our lives.
Another way the Holy Spirit was working was as a spirit of prayer. My mom sensed my impending danger associated with being on the road and had been apprehensive for the two weeks prior to my accident about me driving. The Holy Spirit put it on her heart to pray for me, especially whenever I was going to be on the road. As a result of her prayers, I am sure that all of the little things that came together to help me through the experience were a result of her prayers. It has been a crazy few weeks, but all I can think to be is thankful and all I can feel is happy and blessed to be alive. I know that there is no place on this earth where I tread that my Heavenly Father does not go with me. He lives in me through his Holy Spirit, just as He lives in all of His children.

Loser

2005-12-08T14:16:00.000-08:00

So I knew I was a sinner, but I think I am realizing I am even a worst sinner than I orginally believed or imagined. "There are none that do good; no not one." "All fall short of the glory." I sure am glad that we are saved by grace because there is no way in hell I would get to heaven any other way. I know I sin and that I am a total flunky and screw up. I just hope that God can say to me some day, "you know my favorite thing about you, kiddo? I love the way that you loved life; you loved it when it was good and you loved it when it was bad. You lived each moment and always looked for the beautiful, and you sought me through it all. You never gave up and you always put your heart and soul into all that you did. You never let the bad things of this world tarnish your spririt or make you bitter. You loved yourself and you loved those around you. Most importantly, you loved me and you accepted my great love and sacrifice for you, knowing all the while that you didn't deserve it." I want God to be able to say that to me. "Kid, you are a total loser, but you are my loser, so you have just won paradise for all of eternity." The bottomline is: you are a loser. We all are! But you can win even though you lose. Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to let go of your pride and your fear and any belief that you may have that you are in control of your life. You can't control your life! All is beyond your control. Either God controls your life or the Devil will control your life. Whose loser do you want to be?

Happy Am I

2005-11-07T22:02:00.000-08:00

I have this crazy professor. He talks more about being in a special forces unit in the Amazon than he lectures. Anyways, he lived amongst the Whappashani (spelling most certainly wrong) Indians for 16 months. He described their culture and lives. I have never been so thankful to live here in America. The women in their tribe have babies without any kind of drugs and without any help whatsoever from anyone. To clean the newborn they lick it just like animals do and they cut the umbilical cord with a shell. After all this, they return to the fields to work all day, while the husband gets to rest for the next three days after the child is born. Then after returning from the field the woman cooks the man supper. Forget the society being sexist. They cut the calves of the men with a shell and rub salt in the wounds for six hours and if they cry out in pain they are not a warrior and if they are not a warrior they kill them. They drink masticated fermented banana beer and eat raw snake meat. They have worms living all up in their bodies. I'm very very very blessed and so terribly happy to have doctors, pain killers, Budweiswer, and Hot Pockets. There are very few Americans who have any sort of excuse to be anything but happy.

Crooked Sticks

2005-10-30T21:57:00.000-08:00

"What do you learn by putting two crooked sticks down next to each other? Nothing. If you want to know if a stick is crooked or not, you have to put it down next to a straight stick. Jesus is the perfect straight stick."

Brother Ottis Derrah

10 Year Bonus

2005-10-30T21:16:00.000-08:00

I have lost two grandparents in seventeen days (same set). However, I have no sadness for I believe them in Heaven and better off now than they were before. Psalm 90 tells us that we get 70 years on this earth, 80 if we have the strength. They both had 80 so I figure that means they both got a ten year bonus. To me, it doesn't get any better than that. I went to my grandma's funeral this weekend and watched people cry for the sadness of my mom and aunt. I did not cry. I figure if I cry for them that does them no good. Instead of casting down tears for them I cast up prayers for them. For I know that the more I pray the sooner God will fix whatever the problem is. "All things work for the good of those who love him."

Jesus is my rock, rock, rock. He taught me how to roll, roll, roll!

Faith Sublime

2005-10-30T21:12:00.000-08:00

"God has frequently to knock the bottom board out of your experience if you are a saint in order to get you into contact with Himself. God wants you to understand that it is a life of faith, not a life of sentimental enjoyment of his blessings. ....I will remain true to God's character whatever He may do, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him"--this is the most sublime utterance of faith in the whole of the Bible."
---Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest

Relationships

2005-10-23T21:23:00.000-07:00

The thing I can't seem to understand about relationships is why we have to hurt one another. I mean it just seems like you should be able to have a relationship with a member of the opposite sex and not spend most of your time making one another feel bad. I don't know of a single relationship where the guy and the girl don't end up doing one another more harm than good. They leave each other broken and scarred and then go on to repeat the process with someone else. I know it's not possible for it to be anything but good all throughout and then have a happy ending, but I do ever so wish that this were the case.

Love and illusion

2005-10-16T16:08:00.000-07:00

Just figures! God must have a sense of humor. He gives me the perfect relationship with the perfect guy at just the perfect time. Then I screw it up. Yes, leave it to me. I do the most wrong thing at the most wrong time. I swear I don't have a brain in my head. If I had one, I do believe I would be dangerous. "If it is illusion, it will screw me up. If it is love, I will screw it up." At any rate, this has been the most magical and fun month of my life. I wouldnt trade it for the world. The experience was worth it even though it is not likely to last. No matter how it ends up or what happens from here on out, nothing can diminish the value of the moment. To connect on such a high level with another human being, even if only for a moment, has to be the most beautiful experience I have had in my life that wasn't spiritual. I guess it is fitting that he called me butterfly and I called him shooting star because the two of us promise to be just as fleeting.

Ask For What You Want

2005-10-14T18:20:00.000-07:00

Perhaps, I have given the impression that Christians who have a tight relationship with their Lord and Savior will never experience stress and worry. That is totally inaccurate. However, there is a difference. Christians should approach it all with the confidence of people who know that no matter what it is or how bad it is, that it is only temporary, just as their earthly bodies are temporary and will one day return to dust. "The darkest hour is only sixty minutes long." No matter the sorrow of the night, joy comes in the morning. Yeah, life is tough, and you will get thrashed about by it sometimes. However, keep stillness in side of you in the midst of the chaos and God will whisper secrets in your ear. Whatever happens to you, look at is an opportunity to show God's grace and faithfulness at work in your life. Share your confidence that the situation will all be okay because you are a child of the living God who is bigger than anything that is going to happen to you today. Also, know that He is your strength and that with Him you can do twice what you think you can do. If you think you can run off six hours of sleep, you can run off 3. If you think, you can run two miles, you can run four. If you think you can study five hours, you can study ten. If you are struggling with something, ask God for what you want. His promise is that if you ask for something in his name that it will be given unto you.
P.S. "If you think you are going through hell, keep going."

My Peace I Give You

2005-10-07T21:10:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to think that it's not really hard work and lack of sleep that makes people tired. It is the toll of stress and worry in their lives. Therefore, just work hard and do what you can do. Then, pray that God takes care of you and that his will be done. Here comes the hard part: don't worry about a thing. Have total and complete confidence that you will be taken care of. "The lilies of the field toil not but not even Solomon in all his splendor was adorned like one of these." In other words, the Lord is well aware of your needs and you will be cared for, as you are more important than the lilies who are here today and gone tomorrow. John 14: 27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

God's way

2005-10-03T22:28:00.000-07:00

I asked God to help me let go of something I had been holding on to for such a long time. Funny thing is I think he is doing just that, but it certainly isn't any fun for me. I thought it would be a gradual process, but I asked for it and it feels like He is ripping it away from me. God knows what we need better than we do. This is probably one of those situations where He can see that it is best that He just rip the band-aid off rather than pulling it off slowly. He is thinking better a big bunch of pain all at once and then it will be over than to just keep dragging out the process. God's way, will, and timing for my life are all so perfect. I pray that he just give me the strength to hang on for the ride.

Only Heaven Knows, Only Heaven Shows...

2005-10-01T17:52:00.000-07:00

There is a song by Oleander that says, "Only heaven knows, only heaven shows the way back to everything you know and love." In life there will be trouble and strife and struggle and suffering and pain. There is a quote that says, "You may not can keep the birds of sorrow from flying over head but you can keep them from nesting in your hair." Don't fool yourself though. It doesn't matter what you are struggling with, you can't do it by yourself. It will tear you down and destroy you, if it's bad enough. You can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, and you were never intended to. God made absolutely certain that we weren't physically strong enough to do this. That's why stress gives us such adverse affects. Stress and worry are simply the absense of a close personal faith based relationship with your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. There is a quote that says, "if the devil can't make you bad, he will make you busy." Is your life too hard? Do you have more than you could possibly get done in the time that you have? There is a quote by a man that had it figured out, "I have so much to do that I must spend several hours in prayer before I am able to do it."
There are so many Christians that are saved and are going to heaven, but they aren't experiencing the "abundant life" they have been promised. It's not because they don't pray and it's not because they don't seek God. It is because when they pray and ask for God's help, they don't really turn it all over to him. They still try to hang on to it and fix the problem themselves. The devil has blinded them to the power of God to reach into every minute detail of their lives and transform it. God promises us that if we have even a mustard seed worth of faith that we can move mountains. He also promises that us that whatever we ask for in his name will be done.
There is nothing you are experiencing that God cannot fix. Nothing is bigger than God. However, you have to "let go and let God." God cannot be your co-pilot. He has to be the pilot or he isn't going to do the navigating in your life. When you pray, you have to invoke the promises that he gives us in the Bible. Once you pray about something, give it fully to God. Don't carry the burden of it any longer. Hand it over!!! This means that once you have prayed about it have absolute confidence that it will be taken care of. Don't continue to worry about it. You cannot be good enough, talented enough, or work hard enough to fix the problems in your life. Only God can do this. Futhermore, you cannot improve your efforts by worrying nor can you add a single hour to your life. There is a quote by Rick Bragg in All Over But the Shoutin' that says, "I can't fix everything that is wrong, flawed or broken in my past." There is no truer statement than that. God is in charge of that.
I am not the most moral person you will ever meet, not the most saintly, not the most upright nor righteous I do try to live my life as God would have me to, but I daily fall so fall short of the glory that is God that it's not funny. However, my Lord said that "love covers over a multitude of sins." My God is a God of love and he daily blesses me beyond belief and it takes me so by surprise that I can think of nothing to do but to stand in awe of him and to be thankful. My point is that many live more moral lives than I do, but I don't believe them to be any closer to God nor to be more blessed than I myself am. God knows we are all screw ups, defective so to speak. If he didn't, he would never have sent his son Jesus to save us from ourselves....from the wicknedness and evil that is stored up in our hearts and minds, which prevents us from keeping the law. The point is that we can't be good enough to deserve the love, blessings, and mercy that derive from the Lord. The only thing I can think of to say in conclusion is: "Lord thank you for this good life and forgive us if we don't love you enough."

Blood of Christ

2005-09-29T21:17:00.000-07:00

Every Thursday night is Common Meal. I look forward to it all week. All my friends are there, it is only a $1.50, and the food is great. Besides all that, we do communion. My roommate was sitting next to me and when it came time to pass the blood/wine/grape juice, she said "the blood of Christ poured out for you, now get it yourself." She said that because she was having trouble holding the tray and handing me a cup at the same time, but it was just hilarious, ironic, and ever so true. The blood of Christ has been poured out for all of us, but in order to receive the benefits of that great love and sacrifice, we do have to get it ourselves.

Busy

2005-09-28T19:57:00.000-07:00

"If the devil can't make you bad, he'll make you busy."

People Suck

2005-09-27T21:24:00.000-07:00

“People suck. I do too, and so do you. They may not suck tomorrow but today they do.”

Nursing Home Secrets

2005-09-27T21:12:00.000-07:00

It feels like the people in the nursing home have secrets. It's almost like they are so close to the other side that they know things that we don't yet know. The stuff that they tell you when you go in there is rather simplistic but considering the source it seems to speak volumes. For instance, there is one lady in the nursing home, who whenever I am there to see my grandmother, always says to my mom and me before we leave, "have a great time." She doesn't say have a nice day or take care or any such thing as that. No! She always says have a great time. Maybe its just me, but I really do think there is something to that. It's like she knows how short life is and is trying in some small way to convey that to us.

Don't Suffer

2005-09-26T19:40:00.000-07:00

Our lives seem to be controlled by whatever blow hits us next, sending us lurching from headache to heartache to horrow story. But we can choose how we respond emotionally. We can choose to hold on to the One who promises never to leave us.
~Barbara Johnson

God is my crutch

2005-09-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

Some people say that people just use God and religion as a crutch. You are damn straight! Why should it be any other way? This world is too terrible a place to make it through on your own. To tell the truth, I can't imagine trying to make it through even one day without God. I can't fathom a world without his love and protection and wouldn't want to have to. Nothing gives me greater happiness than to know with complete confidence that the Lord is in control of my life. That means that no matter what comes, good or bad, I will always be taken care of. I can always have hope for the future and no situation will ever be so bad that I can't make it through. Jesus came "that we may have life and have it more abundantly." As Christians we should know that if our lives don't turn out like we wanted them to, it doesn't mean that they haven't turned out just as God wanted them to, which is infinitely better anyways if we will just look for what he wanted us to see when he changed the course of things.

My Cut Runneth Over

2005-09-21T15:22:00.000-07:00

So I was talking to a friend of mine online about the meaning of happiness and feeling truly blessed. I was trying to quote the Bible and say, "My cup runneth over." However, I ended up typing, "my cut runneth over." The first thing that I could think of was how hilarious that it was and how that had to be the most ironic typo ever. The next thing I thought was, "my cut runneth over, but at least nobody poured salt in it. At any rate, I just thought of God as having a sense of humor. I think he created us primarily for his own entertainment, which explains free will. Can you imagine if you owned everything, were in control of everything, and had no equal, how bored and lonely you might find yourself at times? That's why I think God has us. He gets to look down from heaven and watch us make the same mistakes over and over again. I could be wrong, but I like to think of him sitting up there smiling down, shaking his head, and saying, "you stupid, kid, will you ever learn?" I guess there is a possibility that he is angry at us when we mess up like He was in the Old Testament, but since Jesus came and saved us from the sins that were seperating us from God, I think that is no longer the case, especially since it was only the sin that God could not stand and never us.
I think more than anything God wants us to see the joy and beauty all around us, which he has created, and he wants us to reflect those same two things in our own lives as testaments to the work that He is doing in us daily. I also think God wants us to see the humor in everything and to appreciate each breath that we take. I intend to do just that; as Rudyard Kipling once said, "I've taken my fun where I've found it." "There is no duty that a man so underrates at that of being happy." All other animals know that the principal purpose of life is to enjoy it."

Life Is a Trip!

2005-09-19T10:09:00.000-07:00

Life is a trip and a hell of a ride. The destination is nothing; the road is all. " All paths lead no where so choose one that has heart." The entire experience from birth to death is entirely crazy. It is completely impossible to go through it without ever experiencing any sort of suffering or pain. That being the case, live it out loud. Don't live your life in worry or fear of the consequences of your actions. Make a mess. Have the courage to royally screw up your life. Just be sure to enjoy every minute of it. No matter what you do, you are going to screw it all up, so why not have a good time with it? "Twenty years from now, you will regret more the things you did not do rather than the ones you did." Furthermore, "You are only given a little spark of madness. You musn't lose it." We are all crazy; at least, the best of us are. I would rather be crazy and know it than to think myself sane and have doubts.
I think failure used to be my greatest fear. I don't believe that it is any longer. I think my greatest fear now is that I won't live the moments of my life well. All our lives are is a series of moments and to live each one well is to have suceeded and to have had a blast for what litle time you are here. My goal in life is to do the best that I can for each day. I want to work hard and play hard and do the best by other people as I can. I want to be stupid and silly and make a fool out of myself. "I want to dance like nobody is watching and love like it's never going to hurt." I want to see the humor and the beauty in everything. "Your life will never be extraordinary until you can the beautiful tucked inside the mundane." So much of all that is around us is such a blessing and a miracle but we often fail to see it because we are too wrapped up in ourselves to raise our heads up and look around. "We are all in the gutter, some of us just tend to look up at the stars."
Jesus is my Lord and I want to do my best to keep his commandments and find his will for my life. Other than that, I want to "party all the time, party all the time." I hope to be the eighty year old woman sitting around in the nursing home laughing all the time, saying, "That was a hell of a ride." It's like the Sister Hazel song, "I'm in the moment. The one where nothing else matters and everything is alright." Do the things you want to do today. Tomorrow is not guaranteed and right now is all you have. "It is shining like a star in your hand and melting like a snowflake."

Elsewhere

2005-09-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

For awhile, I did not understand how my grandmother and her roommate could sit in the nursing home in their wheelchairs all day long without any entertainment....no television, no radio, nothing. Then I thought that maybe being in their mental state was like being in the kind of daze you have when you first wake up. It's where you are not completely focused on anything, nothing is terribly important in that moment, and you don't really feel particularly good or bad. In the mornings when I first wake up, I don't care if I just lay there and stare at the ceiling or if the television is on. I feel completely content to be devoid of external stimulation. Perhaps that is why my grandmother expresses no interest in being entertained. At least that is the way that I like to think about it.

The Natural Course

2005-09-17T13:19:00.000-07:00

Today I saw one of the saddest, yet most beautiful things I have ever witnessed. My grandmother recently had a stoke and is in the nursing home dying. We are all dying, given that we begin to die the moment we are born. However, she is considerably closer to that end of the spectrum than I believe myself to be. On the other hand, I could go tomorrow. At any rate, my mom holds on to the hope that she is going to get better and go home. My mom fights to keep her here and she is ready to go home to her Lord. My mom sits and stares at her the whole time we are there and scarcely takes her eyes off her. My grandmother looks right back at her, as if to say "let me go." I am not upset about the condition of my grandmother because she has let go of this life and is ready to give up "the good fight." The only thing that upsets me is to see how deeply it affects my mom. My grandmother has been trying to tell my mom the whole time she has been there that she is never going to get better. She says I am old and I am not getting any better. Today my mom said to her, "you have to stop getting up on your own and falling or you will never get any better," and her reply was simply, "so." My grandmother expresses no interest in leaving the nursing home, of reading, watching tv, listening to music, playing on the computer, or knitting, which are all things she used to enjoy. To me that is the surest sign that you are not long for here: when there is nothing left that you want to do.
I will miss my grandmother when she passes away but I have a real peace about it. She is saved and is at peace about dying. For instance, my grandmother has periods of rebounding and then worsening again, and on one of her bad days, one in which she wasn't very lucid, she looked at my mom and me and said, "I'm slipping back again, and ya'll are worried, but I'm just enjoying it." Knowing that she isn't afraid and that she is going to heaven makes it all okay for me. "Wouldn't you be happy for your friend if she were going to Hawaii? Heaven is a whole lot better than Hawaii." I love to be around my grandmother right now. It's like she is not completely in this world, and that part of her is already in the other world. It makes me feel like she knows a lot of answers that I do not yet know. I am just thankful to have this experience because I know that it will give me a foundation for letting going of my parents when the time comes.
Death is a part of life. It's the natural course of things. If you live to be twenty years old and your grandparents are still alive, consider yourself lucky. If you yourself live to be at least seventy, consider yourself lucky. The Bible gives us seventy years to live, which means anything on top of that is bonus. We live only to die in the end, making it a part of life. To me, that is not sad. What is sad is people who are dying to live rather than living to die. Life is precious and fragile and short, so truly live yours. Allow yourself to have the experience of truly being alive. You think life is hard and not worth the living? Go spend about ten minutes walking through a nusing home, and you'll learn to appreciate it and to complain a little less. Being that close to death allows you to see life more clearly.

The Off Chance

2005-09-16T16:17:00.000-07:00

As a Christian who is daily experiencing the blessings of Christ and the joy of being one of his children, it is hard for me to believe that anyone would not seek him out for those reasons alone. However, even trying to look at salvation and the existence of God objectively, I find it hard to believe that all would not come to Christ. For instance, it seems as though they would believe in Christ on the off chance that he does exist. After all, nothing bad happens to you if you die and find out that there is no God. For if there is no God, there is no afterlife and you do not have an eternal soul so you just return to dust and there is nothing more of you, which would not be a painful process. However, if you die to find out that there is a God and that his Son was meant to be your Savior, your only ticket to heaven, yet he is not, you will then be relegated to an enternity of separation from that God and Savior you refused to acknowledge, leaving your eternal soul to continously writhe in misery.

I'm Not Smoking Rock, but I Know the Rock

2005-09-16T15:47:00.000-07:00

Most people that have been around me thinking I'm smoking rock. In other words, I am so happy that they think I must be on some sort of drugs. However, that's not the case at all. In fact, the strongest thing I am on is caffeine. For the most part, I don't even take Tylenol or Aspirin. I think the reason that I am so happy is because I have the truth rock in my life. That rock is Jesus Christ, and he is the only foundation upon which you can build anything of value. I tend to think of happiness as having a sufficient amount of everything that you need, not lacking in anything, but not having anything in excess either. This is what the Lord promises us. He promises us that his grace will be sufficient for us, and that he will never allow us to be burdened with more than we can bear. In addition, he promises us that he will provide us a way out so that we will be able to stand up under our burdens. Happiness is not the absence of difficulty, problems, or struggle in life. Those things are guaranteed. Besides, "too much sunshine in life makes a desert." I tend to think of life in terms of comparisons. For instance, no matter what is happening to me at this present moment there is always a whole host of things that I am thankful are not happening to me. I truly do believe that there is always something to be thankful for and "that there is nothing that can happen that is so bad that good may not come of it." A little exercise that seems to keep me happy on a daily basis is when things don't exactly go my way and I'm not exactly having the best of days is to think of how it could have been worse. I do this even in the most miniscule of circumstances. For instance, I spilled my drink all over my shirt and I thought well that's not all that bad because I still have time to go back home and change. I got stuck in traffic and I thought well it could be worse because I could be the car involved in the wreck that is backing up traffic. Now that is a compartively worse day than mine.
Earlier I mentioned how happiness is having just enough of everything. This can also be carried down to the most ordinary aspects of your daily life and bring you a smile. For example, you go to brush your teeth and you have just enough toothpaste left to brush with or it's lunch time and you have four bucks in your console with which to get a hamburger. I don't know but little stuff like that always makes me happy. On the other hand, it's also important not to have too much of anything, even wealth. For instance, Jesus tells us, "it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven." This is because his wealth ties him too much to this world and makes him love the world and money more than he does God. It is important to have some degree of strife in our lives so that we never forget how truly fragile life is and how dependent upon God that we are. After all, the Bible tells us that we are but a breath. Besides, if things went too terribly well for us in this world we would most likely think we could do things all on our own and that we did not need God. "A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?" In other words, we would love this world too much and forfeit our very souls for it.
We should never expect anything of this world to make us happy or to satifsy our seemingly unfathomable longing. We are not of this world. We were created with eternal souls that long to be with their Creator. This world is the kingdom of the devil so it is place of evil and sin and pain, and the devil will do his best to make sure that you continue to experience these things. In fact, by assuring your misery, he will assure your seperation from your Father in Heaven. The devil does not mind if you have temporary happiness, the kind that is found by amusing ourselves with the sinful things of this world such as sex, money, and drugs. However, he will do everything in his power to make sure that you do not find true and lasting happiness, which can only be experienced by those who are continously fellowshipping with their Lord and Savior.

Christians Are a Damned Mess

2005-09-15T21:59:00.000-07:00

Christians are human. They are just like anyone else. They have the same sinful desires and just like everyone else, yes, they still sin. Christians are in no way perfect. In fact, the only way in which they are different from anyone else, the thing that separates them from the rest of the world, is that they have acknowledged Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. They have said, "Lord, I can't make it on my own. I need you to come into my life and fix me because I am a damned mess." Furthermore, Christians are forgiven for their sins so that they no longer have to be separated from God. Jesus has paid the price once and for all. He has paid it for everyone and all anyone has to do to accept this miraculous gift is to ask for it. I went to church last night and the pastor laid it down something like this. "You only have two choices. The price of sin is death and not just death but eternal death, as in you will continously experience death throughout eternity. Because this is the case, someone must pay that price. You can pay it yourself, which means you will spend eternity in hell, separated from God, or you can let Jesus pay it for you and go to heaven."

God-Sized Hole

2005-09-15T21:07:00.000-07:00

I think that the reason why people are not happy is because they have a God-sized hole in their lives. He put it in all of us so that we would seek him. It's the reason why people feel unhappy, depressed, lonely, lacking, etc. It's the reason why human beings feel like all is not quite right in the world and why they constantly feel like something is missing or that they are incomplete. This feeling is not limited to non-Christians. People attempt to fill this lacking with a multitude of earthly methods, which sadly will never really do more than address the surface characteritics of the more complex issue. Many individuals feel like success, fame, fortune, sex, relationships, love, therapy, drugs (prescription and non), food, alchohol and any number of other things will "fix" them. They think I will be happy when I get this job, when I get my new car, when that girl goes out with me, when I have my first child, etc.
Most of a human being's focus is inward. What's wrong with me? Why am I unhappy? Who is at fault? The one thing that people do understand is that they are missing something, which is an intimate relationship with their creator and savior, Jesus Christ. Earlier I mentioned that being a Christian does not mean you will not feel an innate lacking. There are many many Christians walking around today who are saved and are going to heaven but who aren't getting to live the life of abundance promised them in the Bible. This is because they don't realize the power that God has to be an active part of your every day life. Our God is a God of details. He says to us, "ask and you will receive, knock and the door will be opened, seek and you shall find." However, nothing will be given to us by our Lord if we do not seek him and do it daily. He gave us free will so that it would be our choice to come to him, and while he waits on us, he cannot bless us until we ask him to. I found a quote from an unknown source that says, "God gives every bird a worm, but he does not throw it into the nest." Basically, that means what my mom has always told, which is that "God will do anything for you but you have to meet him halfway." Meeting God halfway means believing that he has the power to do everything, that his will is best for your life, and that by praying and earnestly seeking Jesus Christ you will experience true peace. I read another quote that says,“When I turned myself over to God, I took my life out of the hands of an idiot.” You have to really learn to put faith in God in order to be happy and to learn how not to worry. This is embodied in this quote: “If you pray for a Cadillac, and God sends a jackass, ride it.” Furthermore, pray unceasingly as the Bible says to and “When you pray, claim what isn’t as if it were, till it becomes.”
There are very few truths in this life, and the greatest and perhaps only truth I know is that Jesus Christ is Lord of all. This means sickness, death, pain, stress, and fear are all under his dominion and that he can rescue you from all of these things.