Pregnancy is not for Commentary

I'm 2 days away from being 39 weeks pregnant.  I look and feel super pregnant in every way possible.  Sleeping is like an impossible nightmare as no matter how I lay down or try to get up or which bed, chair, couch, etc. I use nothing is comfortable and getting back up is generally quite painful.  My feet are swollen up like grapefruit practically all day every day and my hands are numb from swelling.  I'm having pretty severe cramps every night before bed and still no baby comes.  I lay down and try to rest like I'm supposed to and next I awake the pain has subsided.


However, all of this doesn't bother me near as much as the commentary from people around me....family, friends, coworkers, complete strangers.


I do not need to hear how miserable I must feel.  I do not need to be asked on repeat when my due date is, whether I'm having a boy or a girl, whether this my first or second and what my baby's name will be.  I do not need to be asked how I'm handling the heat.  I do not need to be asked when I'm going on maternity leave as though I have a clue when this baby will be here or that going to work is some sort of if I feel like it situation.


If you would not speak to me if I weren't pregnant, please do not speak to me because I am pregnant.
If you do not know my name, please do not ask me the name of my unborn child.
If you think I look fully cooked or like I'm about to pop please keep those thoughts to yourself.
Please do not feel the need to find out if I'm having twins or just an enormous baby based on the size of my stomach.


I've been trying to grow this child for nearly a year now, do you think you are going to say anything original to me or that will contribute to my happiness?  Do you want to be rude for no reason?
Apparently, there is nothing I can say in my own defense of this rude barrage of constant questioning that will not make me a hormonal .  Therefore, I'm forced to answer questions politely and grin and bare it.  But honestly, I'm so over it.  I'm emotional and exhausted and tired of your questions. 


Just treat me like a normal person.  Just say hey, how are you?  And then make some small talk about the weather or a recent news event.  Or even better....please don't talk to me at all.  I'm carrying enough weight around with me not to need the weight of carrying on a conversation with you about the details of my pregnancy.


I'm sorry that there is not a way for me to hide the obvious fact that I'm pregnant, but believe me I would if I could.


With regard to people who know me better, please stop telling me that you think I will have a 9+ pound baby or that you want me to stay pregnant until for you own stupid reasons or agenda.  See above details of how I feel and realize that I do not wish to be pregnant another single second longer than I have to be and in my opinion anyone that would wish that upon me has absolutely no regard for me or how I feel.  My life is the only one being directly impacted by carrying this child, so you can all stuff it with regard to when this baby will be born unless your hope for when he will arrive is within the next 5 minutes.

Favorite Quotes (2002-2003)

"The marvelous richness of human experience would lose something of rewarding joy if there were no limitations to overcome.  The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful if there were no dark alleys to traverse." - Keller

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be.  Now put the foundations under them."-Thoreau

"There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience."

"Courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow."

"The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want and if they can't find them, make them."-Shaw

"The darkest hour has only 60 minutes."

"Don't waste yourself in rejection, nor bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good." - Emerson

"Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened."

"For the test of the heart is trouble and always comes with tears. And the smile that is worth the praises of the earth is the smile that shines through the tears."

"I never did give anybody hell.  I just told the truth and they thought it was hell."

"I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments."

"Change has a considerable impact on the human mind.  To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things could get worse.  To the hopeful it is encouraging because things could get better.  To the confident, it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better."

"I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality.  This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant."

"Everyone, some sooner than others, must endure his or her own personal hell on earth.  It is important to keep searching for the small joys, although they are often the most elusive.  Trust that these joys will appear, sometimes, unexpectedly, and often in life's darkest moments."

"Finish each day and be done with it.  You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept it.  Forget them as soon as you can.  Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

"Within each of us is a hidden store of energy.  Energy we can to release to compete in the marathon of life.  Within each of us is a hidden store of courage, courage to give us the strength to face any challenge.  Within each of us is a store of determination.  Determination to keep us in the race when all seems lost."

"I must not fear.  Fear is the mind killer.  Fear the little death that bring total obliteration.  I will face my fear.  I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.  Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.  Only I will remain."

"It seems to me that people have vast potential.  Most people do extraordinary things if they have the confidence or take the risks.  Only most people don't.  They sit in front of the telly and treat life as if it goes on forever."

"A truth that's told with bad intent, beats all the lies you can invent."

"A true friend is someone you can disagree with and still remain friends.  For if not, they weren't true friends in the first place."

"He that loseth his honesty hath nothing else to lose."

"Fear less, hope more.  Whine less, breathe more.  Talk less, say more.  Hate less, love more.  And all good things are yours."

"Integrity is telling myself the truth and honesty is telling the truth to other people."

"We have loved the starts too fondly to be fearful of the night."

"Pray you use your freedom and so far as you please, allow me mine."

"He who hesitates is a damned fool."

"Hell is other people."

"I hate the man who builds his name on ruins of another's fame."

"Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric."

"Among those I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh."

"I any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing."

"Lucky parents who have fine children usually have lucky children who have fine parents."

"I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve."

"True happiness comes from the joy of deeds well done, the zest of creating things new."

"The pleasantest things in life are pleasant thoughts, and the great art of life is to have as many of them as possible."

"I have done my best.  That is about all of the philosophy of living one needs."

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year." - Emerson

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers

"Let this be his rule: where wrong cannot be punished without greater wrong, there let him waive his rights, however just they may be."

"You will know forgiveness when you recall those who hurt and feel the power to wish them well."

"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future."

"Forgiveness is not an emotion, its a decision."

"Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it forgoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury."

"Sail where you heart desires and know when to drop anchor."

"Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me."

"Chance is always powerful.  Let your hook be always case; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish."- Ovid

"Dignity and love do not blend well, nor do they continue long together."- Ovid

"Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop."- Ovid

"Nothing is stronger than habit."- Ovid

"To be loved, be loveable."-Ovid

"Time the devourer of all things."-Ovid

"We can learn even from our enemies."-Ovid

"It is easier to stay out than get out."- Twain

"Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours."- Twain

"If you treat people right they will treat you right-ninety percent of the time."-Roosevelt

"It is common sense to take a method and try.  If it fails, admit it frankly and try another.  But above all, try something."- Roosevelt

"The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today." - Roosevelt

"Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body."- Senecca

"It is mot because things are difficult that we no not dare; it is because we do not dare they are difficult." - Senecca

"One should count each day a separate life." - Senecca

"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were."- Scott

"There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness." - Billings

"Forgiveness is almost a selfish act because of its immense benefits to the one who forgives."- Blackwell

"The hatred you're carrying is a live coal in your heart-far more damaging to yourself than to them."-Blackwell

"The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."- Gandhi

"Courage is fear that has said its prayers."- Bernard

"Fear not those who argue but those who dodge."- Eschenbach

"We all have big changes in our lives that are more less a second chance."- Harrison Ford

"Change your thoughts and you change your world."- Peale

"The bravest thing you can do when you are not brave is to profess courage and act accordingly."- Harris

"Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared too death."

"Many would be cowards if they had courage enough." - Fuller

"The way to develop the best that is in a man is by appreciation and encouragement."

"Life is to be lived, not controlled, and humanity is won by continuing to play in the face of certain defeat."

"The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty-not knowing what comes next."

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."- Dubois

"Dare to be naïve." - Fuller

"The only person you need to prove anything to is yourself."

"Ninety-nine percent of the people in the world will hurt you, but its that one percent that loves you that makes your life worthwhile."

"The best prayer is what's in your heart.  Take what is there and offer it.  It doesn't matter if you are desperate or angry.  The Lord will hear you."

"You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down."- Bradbury

"I am will to put myself though anything; temporary pain or discomfort means nothing to me as long as I can see that the experience will take me to a new level.  I am interested in the unknown, and the only path to the unknown is through baking barriers, an often painful process."

"It takes chances to make changes."

"Life should be enjoyable; too often we think its about achievement.  The truth is that making life enjoyable is an achievement in itself."

"And if in everything I find I do not find success, at least I will know that I tried my best."

I am somebody.  I am me and I need nobody to make me somebody."

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

"Don't let your pride or a lack of courage stand in  the way of saying you're sorry to the people you may have offended."

"We win many of life's rewards by leaning how to hang in there and work till the very end."

"Go the extra mile.  It's never crowded."

"The race isn't over until you cross the finish line.  You'll be surprised at how much can change in the last twenty strides."

"Have no fear of perfection-you'll never reach it."

"Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing." -Lincoln

"A friend is somebody you want to be around when you feel like being by yourself."

"You have to have confidence in your ability and then be tough enough to follow though."

"This thing that we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down."

"You always pass on the way to success."

"The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next."

"Courage is being scared too death but saddling up anyway."

"The thing always happens that you believe in, and the belief in a thing makes it happen."

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.  Live the life you have imagined."

"Courage is resistance to fear-mastery of fear-not absence of fear."

"Courage is doing what you're afraid to do.  There can be no courage unless you're scared."

"All of the animals except man know that the principal business life is to enjoy it."

"The best way I know to win an argument is to start by being in the right."

"Truth is oven eclipsed but never extinguished."

"There is no worse lie than a truth misunderstood by those who hear it."

"Well timed silence hath more eloquence than speech."

"Honesty without compassion is brutality."

"Nothing can prevent you from learning the truth so much as that you already know it."

"Be sincere; be brief; be seated." -Roosevelt

"Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise." - Freud

"Truth usually hurts in proportion to how much I have ignored or disbelieved it."

"I don't let my mouth say nothing my head can't stand."

"Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can."

"The true test of character is now much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don't know what to do."

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

"The whole world steps aside for the man who knows where he is going."

"For life to be meaningful, you must have a challenge."

"The human spirit is strong than anything that happens to it."

"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going."

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow."

"It's always too early to quit."

"Accept everything about yourself.  I mean everything.  You are you and that is the beginning and the end; no apologies, no regrets."

"You'll never find yourself until you face the truth."

"Conquering any difficulty always gives one a secret joy, for it means pushing back a boundary line and adding to one's liberty."

"Courage and perseverance have a magical talisman, before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish into air."

"This above all: to thine own self be true."

"He who conquers his wrath overcomes his greatest enemy."

"For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do."

"Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened."

"The robbed that smiles steals something from the thief."

"Constant complaints never get pity."

"Never make a defense or apology unless you be accused."

"Politeness costs nothing and gains everything."

"They who complain most are most to be complained of."

"The miracle is this-the more we share, the more we have."

"Write down the advice of him who loves you, though you like it not at present."

"A man lives by believing something not by debating and arguing about many things."

"To know ourselves diseased is half our cure."

"I don't know the key to success but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."

"The devil hath power to assume a pleasing shape."

"Never esteem anything as an advantage to you that will make you break your word or lose your self-respect."

"Honesty needs no disguise not ornament, be plain."

"Keep your fears to yourself, but share your courage with others."

"Those who know the truth are not equal to those who love it."

"No happy time is really gone if it leaves a special memory."

Learn the wisdom of compromise, for it is better bend a little than to break."

"Rather fail with honor than succeed by fraud."

"Honesty is never seen sitting astride the fence."

"Some friends only want to see the perfections in you.  Others need to see the imperfections and those are the true ones."

"It doesn't take strength to hold a grudge. It takes strength to let go of one."

In the end, only kindness matters."

"Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go."

"We know the truth, not only by reason, but also by the heart."

"A good friend is someone who will help you up when you are down and if they can't will lay down and listen."

"Training is what you are doing while your opponent is sleeping."

"Never hesitate to hold out your hand.  Never hesitate to accept the outstretched hand of another."

"The harder you work, the luckier you get."

"You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh."

"Ain't it kinda funny at the dark end of the road that someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope?"

"Truth is like the sun.  You can shut it out for a time but it ain't goin' away."

"Live your life so that if someone says be yourself, its good advice."

"Real friends require honesty, openness, and even vulnerability.  They also require attention and simple acts of kindness."

"It's a man's own mind, not his enemy or foe that lure him to evil ways."

"Anyone in the world can give up.  It's the easiest thing in the world to do.  But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."

"Pain is just weakness leaving the body."

"I will follow the right side even to the fire, but excluding the fire if I can."

"The average person thinks he isn't."

"The man who goes along can start today, but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready."

"The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to hold a man's foot long enough to enable him to put the other somewhat higher."

"Life or shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."

"No matter how bad things get, remember this too will pass.  Believe it!"

"Whatever satisfies the soul is truth."

"Never be bullied into silence.  Never allow yourself to be made a victim.  Accept no one's definition of your life.  Define yourself."

"The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it."

"The truth is rarely pure and never simple."

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.  Only though experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired and success achieved."

"The young do not know enough to be prudent and therefore they attempt the impossible and achieve it generation after generation."

"Treat a person as he is, and he will remain as he is.  Treat him as he could be, and he will become what he should be."

"What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?"

"I dove into madness and learned how to swim."

"Serenity is taking a deep breath before taking the next big step."

"What is they duty? To accept the challenge of the passing day."

"Do what you have in hand, and God will show what thing is next to do."

"There is no duty we so much underestimate as the duty of being happy."

"People don't have sense enough to get out in the rain."

"Thou shalt not follow a multitude to do evil."

"Even God lends a hand to honest boldness."

"Fortune and love befriend the bold."

Random Thoughts from Days Gone By

The way he's dressed in blue
Reminds me of You
Baby, I don't know what to do
You were my dream come true.

A sick person will beat a sane person any day if the sane person plays.



2/20/2007
We have nothing of value to give one another unless we have given what we have to God.
He is what makes us valuable. 
He takes a heart of greed, anger, jealousy, and betrayal and fills it full of love, kindness, forgiveness and understanding.
Don't give me your valueless heart.
Give it to God so you have something of value to give me.
What am I looking for?
The byproducts of God.

I'll walk the tightrope that's been stretched for me, and than a wrinkled forehead, perplexed why, will accompany me, I'll delicately step along.  For if I stop to sigh at the eather-propped stride of others I will fall.  I must balance high without a parasol to tide a faltering step, without a net below, without a balance stick to guide. - Margaret Danner

If only we'd stop trying to enjoy ourselves, we'd have a pretty good time.

You can bark all you want to but that doesn't make your chain any longer.

I've cruised on blue sky days in a red Camaro down the coast.
I've danced into the wee hours of may nights with a guy named Bud.
I've leapt off the edge of many swimming pools fully clothed.
I've crossed creeks on fallen trees.
I've driven to many of my destinations like a bat out of hell.
I've run thousands of miles in circles.

I've acquired more friends than I've lost.
I've dug my toes deep into the sand and flung my net out as far as I could.
I've spend a great night on a train with a good friend headed to an awful city.

I've yelled at kids for doing things I loved to do with a smile I couldn't hide.
I've written my own language and laughed until my ribs hurt.

I've hand fed kittens that would not have otherwise become cats.
I've spent more days lying on my back soaking up the glory God put into the world than I have learning about what the hell we've done wrong in it.
I've sought and found solace rather than living a life filled with pain, misery or self doubt.
I've sat on a yacht anchored in a harbor with three men I did not love, with a sandwich in one hand and a beer in the other and considered myself blessed.

I've regularly avoided those who vocalize my silent fears; that's not what inspires people.
I've loved two men, neither of whom knew their own worth or what to value.

I've sat inebriated on Christmas in a movie with both my parents.
I've often laughed when nothing was funny and cried when nothing was sad.
I've taken pictures of a million moments and miracles I couldn't take with me.

I've failed in a major way only to discover that failure enriched my soul more than all my successes.

Maybe we were never meant to swear an oath to anyone but God.
Maybe if we swear an oath to God, an oath to anyone else is superfluous.
If we give our oath to God we cannot help but keep our oaths to others.
God said let your yes be yes and your no be no.

Our primary, predominant pledge is reserved for God, shifting all other promises to a dependent position, yet no less valuable.

If your pledge to God is what it should be, your pledge to others cannot help but be more than good enough.  Jesus sits at the right hand of God and dictates to what we pledge ours.

Blessed are those struggle through this life, who don't fit in but painfully stand out.
Blessed are those who cannot silence the differences you placed in their souls in order to conform to the dictates of this world.
Blessed are those who know the turmoil of a life without you and recognize what it is they are going through.
Blessed are we who have been in disobedience to you, who have betrayed you through our actions because it is we who have felt your sweet forgiveness and learned the meaning of love unconditional.
Blessed are we who have stood toe to toe with Satan himself and used no strength of our own but rather the power of your Name to vanquish him.
God would leave all his saints to go in search of one lost sheep.  In fact while Jesus was on earth, he neglected the righteous, knowing it is the sick who need a doctor-the sinners who needed him most.
Also, Jesus knew that those who had the most to be forgiven for where the ones most grateful for his love and forgiveness.
Those men in the Bible who could almost keep the law, aside from their inherent corruption as members of the human race, reveled in their own goodness while the sinners praised Jesus and washed his feet with tears and dried them with the very hairs of their heads.
For this reason, God would prefer a repentant murderer, rapist, or homosexual to a missionary, nun or preacher who lacks a repentant heart.
While true that faith without works is dead and those who love the Lord will do as he commands, you still cannot be good enough to earn the gift he has given us or bad enough not to deserve it.

When you're happy, there's no reason not to be.

She just jokes around too seriously.

Because I couldn't find the future, the Lord let me discover the past in the now.

Lord, every time I've ever hit rock bottom, I've found that you were the rock I was standing upon.  Lord, when all else is stripped away, you remain.

You remember back when I had Aaron?
No you don't because you weren't there.

You want a cupcake?
No I don't have any!

I thought Satan was stupid because if he would just let us be happy and at peace, we would never search for God, but then I realized God is our creator and he designed us with a God sized hole in our hearts.  Therefore, try as he might to make us happy Satan is not equal to the task.  The hole in our hearts is God sized not Satan sized. All the pleasures of this earth mean nothing to us without God.

A kidnapper can give you everything you always wanted, but all you will ever really want is your family. Satan has kidnapped your soul and it is homesick.  All this world has to offer is not enough to quell your overwhelming homesickness and longing for your Father.  Lord, carry us all the way from rock bottom, straight to paradise.

I challenge you to overestimate God's power.  You will not be able to do it.  For it is impossible because God is limitless.  His power in our lives is limitless so long as we don't put restrictions and conditions on Him.  A contract with God is an exchange of unequal values. He gives us a power and love without limits as well as eternal life and all we give him is our filthy ragged orphan soul.  It is also a contact of adhesion, meaning only one party to the contract writes the terms and that's God.  It's his deal and you can choose to take it or leave it.

God is your only independent asset with all other things in life being worth nothing without him.  Spend all your time overestimating God as much as you can so that you can begin to catch a glimpse of all the splendor and majesty that comprises Him.  Also, don't forget to properly estimate Satan.  Don't underestimate him because he does have power over this world and power over you if you don't guard against him. 

Therefore, weigh his power, assess his strengths as your adversary.  Then, use your pitiful overestimation of God's power to make Satan a footstool beneath your feet.  I call any over estimation of God's power pitiful because we are incapable of understanding God's capabilities as our righteous King.


Should not the architect who built the beautiful temple that is my body get to rejoice in it?
How can God do that if allow squatters to come in and trash the place and cause the property values to plummet? 

We are human and fragile and weak and the sons of Satan are scavengers prowling the earth and finishing off all of us who are not standing on the promises of God. Therefore, I pray the spirit of discernment in our lives.  Every step we take in which we are not walking in the Lord is a faltering step.  I pray that we be immobilized whenever not walking with the Lord.

We sin out of fear.  We sin because we don't trust God to deliver on his promises. We think I have do this or that because I haven't heard anything out of God. 

I pray for all of us women, Lord.  I pray that you put a force field of protection around our hearts.  Do not let us be pursued by any man whose heart does not belong to you first and foremost.  Furthermore, should one begin to pursue, allow us the spirit of discernment to see past his charm into the ugliness of his sin so that we can laugh in his face as he dances around in his mask, believing that we don't know his true identity and that his father is Satan and not you.

Pregnancy Sucks Because of Other People

Pregnancy is hard for a multitude of reasons and compared to most women, I've had a virtually symptomless pregnancy.  However, it is still hard to feel this large and not just large but awkwardly shaped, like an upside down turtle.  It's not easy painting your toe nails, shaving or putting socks and shoes on while leaning over a beach ball.  It's also difficult to know that while giving up all your favorite food and beverage vices that you are still gaining weight rapidly and that you can't possibly exercise enough to tip the scales back the other direction and that dieting is out of the question. 

These have just been some of my issues, but mine aren't even worth mentioning if you are hugging the toilet every day, are constipated, end up with hemorrhoids, high blood pressure, gestational diabetes or swollen feet and ankles or heaven forbid your belly button pops out.

However, even with some or all of these symptoms I think other people are the worst part of pregnancy.  When you are pregnant, people suddenly feel that they can say whatever rude and unfiltered thing they want and if you happen to have a problem with what they've said it is because you are hormonal, like it's not possible that the real problem is that this person has just behaved like an insensitive asshole.

I don't care if you have been pregnant a million times or your wife has.   That still doesn't give you the right to comment on my body or to touch me.  What makes you think that any pregnant woman wants to hear your opinion on how big or small she is in relationship to how far along she is?  What makes you think that it is suddenly okay to spontaneously touch her stomach?  How would you feel if random strangers started grabbing your ass because they felt like they used to have one just like it?

Other colorful things that people think are acceptable to say to pregnant women include:
You are carrying wide
You are carrying low
You look so good (Random stranger, you don't know how I normally look so how do you know I look good?)
Wow, you are getting big (gee and to think I was wondering why nothing I own fits and picking up things I drop is strenuous exercise)
Mom-mma!  (how is it acceptable for someone whose parent I'm not to cat call this to me at work, particularly when I'm not yet even a mother until this child is born?)
Hey little Momma.

Questions everyone who sees a pregnant women thinks they have to ask:
When are you due?
Is it a boy or a girl?
What are you going to name him or her?
How are you feeling?
Are you having any cravings?  (what difference does this make? are you going to track me down a bag of potato chips and a lemonade?)

Why do you need to know these things?  How does the knowledge impact your life at all?  Fool, you don't even know my name but you think need to know the name of my unborn child?

I've gotten to the point that everywhere I go I just pray that people won't talk to me.  I couldn't be more sick of politely answering these questions and hearing all the asinine commentary.  I get that I have this huge and awkward bump growing off of my body, but I would still enjoy being treated like a normal human being.  Maybe you could just say hi and have a nice day like you would if you saw me and I was not pregnant.

I don't call Bertha! after overweight people or tell them that they look like they are too big for their height.  I don't reach out and rub their stomachs like they are the Pillsbury dough boy.  I also don't ask them how they are feeling like it's obvious that they couldn't possibly be feeling well due to being overweight.

It's already hard to escape the identity and self esteem crisis given that your body doesn't belong to you anymore and you don't feel the least bit in control of it. 

I miss feeling attractive and athletic and feeling like I look good in at least some of the clothes I wear.  Therefore, I don't need people constantly reminding me that I look as crazy as I feel.

Be a pregnant woman's champion and don't mention anything about her being pregnant unless she brings it up.  I guarantee you that if she feels like talking about it she will.  Otherwise maybe you could lie and tell her something nice like that top really brings out the color in your eyes or I love that necklace.

If you aren't a good liar maybe you could just ignore her. it might be the welcome relief she needs to get through the next pointless and heartless conversation she has to politely put up with while struggling with some combination of all the lovely symptoms outlined above until her baby is born and she can stop feeling like she has a virus that she just can't seem to get over.

Merits of a Jackass

I learned today that donkeys protect their land. They stomp snakes too death and they can scare off packs of coyotes. They and deer are friends.

Donkeys have no resources that would indicate they could do this. They are not especially fast or ferocious. They have no tusks or horns or sharp teeth. They have no special sight or vision or hearing. They aren't even especially heavy like elephants. They have have no sharp claws or quills or a wicked bad stench like a skunk. They have no camouflage, they can't fly and they aren't climbers. They aren't even capable of the element of surprise.

They love to be with their owners.

I want to be Christ's donkey. I want to be discerning enough to recognize those who would harm me and those who would befriend me like a deer. I want to spend time with those I love and fight to protect what we hold dear. If nothing else, donkeys are fearless and faithful. They don't sit around and get gobbled up because of their lack of power. They just dig in and hold their ground and get it done.

I want to love to spend time with the owner of my soul and everlasting life, my Lord and my God.

To want nothing more than this, the world will view me as a jackass. God will view me as his true and faithful servant.

That being said, I want to be a jackass cause this jackass is not home until heaven so what I need to be protecting is not here but there.

YOU ARE NOT DONE

The story goes a little something like this... I have a friend who has a husband whose cousin committed suicide. This cousin has two teenage daughters, one of whom saw her mom take her own life.

This is the kind of story that doesn't easily leave your mind once it's been communicated to you. As is often the case with the things on our mind, they come out of our mouths. I mentioned it to my boss at work and she said, "those girls are done....they're done."

I remember thinking yeah they are...they are scarred for life. That's not something you can get over.

I told my friend Brittany I would pray for the family. In trying to pray, all I found myself wanting to do is write the girls a letter or just scream out: You're not done!!!

You are in shock and an unimaginable and unfathomable grief. I can't begin to put myself where you are and wouldn't know how to move forward after what you've been through. What I do know is you won't make it alone. You're grief and confusion and anger and self blame and doubt and psychological insecurities will eat you alive.

Go to God. Lay everything at the cross of Christ and tell him you cannot do this. You will not do this alone. You don't feel strong enough to stand and you aren't. God will carry you. Will you instantly feel better because you sought him? No, no you won't. What you will do is get up every day and breathe in and out. You will struggle and you will hurt and it will be hard. This will go on for what we feel like an eternity and then one day you will realize you weren't quite as numb and you didn't hurt quite as bad today and you can even look back and think of a fond memory from the day for the first time in so long you began to wonder if you could still form happy memories.

You will go through the motions of your life and you will still continue to be productive, but you will feel like you are living outside yourself just watching your former self live your life.

You will have to surround yourself with people who love your God. These may be family members, friends, members of the church, teachers, etc. These people will listen to you, help you, guide you, cry with you and they will REFUSE to let you go down the wrong path no matter how many times they have to pull you up out of the mud and out of your self pity.

These people are essential but they are not your foundation. Jesus is your only solid rock to build upon. All else is sinking sand. If you have a strong foundation you can replace faulty stones without doing damage to the integrity of the structure. Remember that people will sometimes let you down. Let not your faith be shaken by this. They were never meant to be where you seek your worth or the meaning of life. Always seek strong human bonds and relationships but always know that God is the source of all love and life. People do not fail you because they don't love or care about you. People fail you because mankind has fallen and we are all an imperfect people doing the best we can, which will always fall short of our Glorious God but which in no way diminishes his power or his love.

You are hurt and you are broken, but none fall so far that their Heavenly Father cannot come to their aid and mend them. You can be healed and restored. YOU ARE NOT DONE! God will you give you the strength to survive this. However, that strength will only be strong enough for the current day so live it one day at time. Each day has enough pain and worry of its own without borrowing from the future.

Plan

1) Work from 7:30-5:30 (5:15 on Rangers game days)

2) Spend 30 minutes outside

3) Spend 15 minutes in God's word and 15 minutes talking to God

4) Spend 30 minutes reading something else

5) Spend 30 minutes focusing on others - could be child sponsorship, volunteering, watching the news

6) Spend 30 minutes with my husband

God's Breaking My Heart for the Things That Break His

I feel like lately I get emotional about things that have no direct impact on me. I feel like I am most emotional over my self centered focus. For awhile now, I have this strong feeling that God is telling me to cut the chaff. I need to start cutting off things in my life that don't matter. I seriously need to be limiting tv and facebook time. I need to start making serious goals for myself centered around using my time to engage in things that would please God. I need to learn how to give until it hurts and pour out my time and money for Him.

I need to be researching where God needs me to give my time and money and how I can use my strengths and gifts to be his hands and feet and love poured out on those around me.