weakness everlasting

I want to learn how to put on the full armor of God. With it, I will learn how to stand- after everything to stand. I will wear the belt of truth and the helmet of salvation. I will fit my feet with the readiness that comes with the gospel of peace. Also, I will don the breastplace of righteousness and the shield of faith. Sounds like good protection and perfect defenses, doesn't it? However, I only have one weapon. The only weapon I have as a Christian is the Sword of the Spirit: The Word of God! But what else could I need? This was the only weapon Christ ever used against the devil. When tempted by the devil, Jesus simply quoted the words of his father. That's all we ever need to do to tap into the insurmountable power of God. (Ephesians 6:10-18)

Though I wish I were the embodiment of strength, I am nothing but weakness everlasting. For this reason, I thank God that his strength is perfected in my weakness. I doubt and I fear and I worry. I suffer the betrayal of friends. I criticize and I judge. I forgive and I do not remain angry, but I still judge and critize. If anyone in this world seeks to hurt me, I can assure them they will have no trouble. I will trust with the innocence of a child every time. I don't do it because I'm stupid, but because despite everything I can't help but believe that humanity is better than intentionally seeking to hurt others. I don't worry about having my heart ripped out time after time because since I will never fully give it to anyone but God that can't really happen. I can get hurt and bruised and take a real beating out there, but God will attend to my wounds and clean me up. I only have one weapon after all, which is His word. In it, he promises me that I will never be alone and that "the only thing that matters is faith expressing itself through love." (Galatians 5:6)

Despite that, I can't feel sorry for my enemies. I can be kind to them as the Bible instructs me, but I haven't figured out how to pity them. If nothing else, I know I should pity the absence of God in their lives for that must be hell on earth, yet I blame them for choosing the path of greatest destruction to themselves. Why is it that those people who are hardest to love really are the ones most in need of it? God, is it possible for us to love the devil out of them? Or should we stay at a distance and just try to pray it out of them? Or should it be a combination of the two?

I still have not learned that it's not about me. Those who hurt me do so because they have not love. I still have not learned the balance between turning the other cheek, forgiving those who persecute me, and avoiding tossing my pearls to swine. I still have not learned that the only strength that matters to God is giving myself to others in service.

I still have not learned how to separate dignity and foolish pride. I also don't know the difference between false hope and the real thing. I don't know when it's best to let my heart and my gut instincts lead and to silence logic and reason. I don't know when to fight and when to quit. I don't know when to hold on and when to let go. I don't know when to stay and when to go. If everything is going the way it should, will there still be pain associated with the experience? And if so, why? Do our emotions often betray us? Or are they our true north? Caught betwixt emotion and logic, I do not know which should govern.

I know that "there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. There is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak...(Ecclesiastes 3:8). I just wish I didn't feel like God had left it so much in my hands to figure out which time was which.

Even if must live my life continously deprived of that which my heart desires, God, I will yet trust you, follow you; I will always seek you. I pray that this is faith because it is my only understanding of it.

Today I am a prisoner of my pride, but I pray it won't always be this way. Maybe one day I will be strong enough to be ridiculous in full view of the whole world and not give a shit about what they think about my weakness or my stength.