Pregnancy is hard for a multitude of reasons and compared to most women, I've had a virtually symptomless pregnancy. However, it is still hard to feel this large and not just large but awkwardly shaped, like an upside down turtle. It's not easy painting your toe nails, shaving or putting socks and shoes on while leaning over a beach ball. It's also difficult to know that while giving up all your favorite food and beverage vices that you are still gaining weight rapidly and that you can't possibly exercise enough to tip the scales back the other direction and that dieting is out of the question.
These have just been some of my issues, but mine aren't even worth mentioning if you are hugging the toilet every day, are constipated, end up with hemorrhoids, high blood pressure, gestational diabetes or swollen feet and ankles or heaven forbid your belly button pops out.
However, even with some or all of these symptoms I think other people are the worst part of pregnancy. When you are pregnant, people suddenly feel that they can say whatever rude and unfiltered thing they want and if you happen to have a problem with what they've said it is because you are hormonal, like it's not possible that the real problem is that this person has just behaved like an insensitive asshole.
I don't care if you have been pregnant a million times or your wife has. That still doesn't give you the right to comment on my body or to touch me. What makes you think that any pregnant woman wants to hear your opinion on how big or small she is in relationship to how far along she is? What makes you think that it is suddenly okay to spontaneously touch her stomach? How would you feel if random strangers started grabbing your ass because they felt like they used to have one just like it?
Other colorful things that people think are acceptable to say to pregnant women include:
You are carrying wide
You are carrying low
You look so good (Random stranger, you don't know how I normally look so how do you know I look good?)
Wow, you are getting big (gee and to think I was wondering why nothing I own fits and picking up things I drop is strenuous exercise)
Mom-mma! (how is it acceptable for someone whose parent I'm not to cat call this to me at work, particularly when I'm not yet even a mother until this child is born?)
Hey little Momma.
Questions everyone who sees a pregnant women thinks they have to ask:
When are you due?
Is it a boy or a girl?
What are you going to name him or her?
How are you feeling?
Are you having any cravings? (what difference does this make? are you going to track me down a bag of potato chips and a lemonade?)
Why do you need to know these things? How does the knowledge impact your life at all? Fool, you don't even know my name but you think need to know the name of my unborn child?
I've gotten to the point that everywhere I go I just pray that people won't talk to me. I couldn't be more sick of politely answering these questions and hearing all the asinine commentary. I get that I have this huge and awkward bump growing off of my body, but I would still enjoy being treated like a normal human being. Maybe you could just say hi and have a nice day like you would if you saw me and I was not pregnant.
I don't call Bertha! after overweight people or tell them that they look like they are too big for their height. I don't reach out and rub their stomachs like they are the Pillsbury dough boy. I also don't ask them how they are feeling like it's obvious that they couldn't possibly be feeling well due to being overweight.
It's already hard to escape the identity and self esteem crisis given that your body doesn't belong to you anymore and you don't feel the least bit in control of it.
I miss feeling attractive and athletic and feeling like I look good in at least some of the clothes I wear. Therefore, I don't need people constantly reminding me that I look as crazy as I feel.
Be a pregnant woman's champion and don't mention anything about her being pregnant unless she brings it up. I guarantee you that if she feels like talking about it she will. Otherwise maybe you could lie and tell her something nice like that top really brings out the color in your eyes or I love that necklace.
If you aren't a good liar maybe you could just ignore her. it might be the welcome relief she needs to get through the next pointless and heartless conversation she has to politely put up with while struggling with some combination of all the lovely symptoms outlined above until her baby is born and she can stop feeling like she has a virus that she just can't seem to get over.
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